Day 5: Self forgiveness on the pseudo-emotional eater

Recently I wrote a blog where I mentionned that when I was a kid, I used to hear my grandma say : "finish everything because there are tons of kids in africa starving." That one proverb stuck with me for a long time and I feel that I sometimes choose to just skip meals and not eat the right stuff because there are lots of emotional links I have created with food. I will therefore do Self forgiveness on those.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to create an energetic relationship between world starvation and my eating habits, where I will try to avoid eating as much as possible until I can no longer sustain the hunger and end up consuming food that are not good for my body.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to continuously use the world starvation as an excuse to justify not eating, therefore punishing myself for not being able to help all the starving people in the world.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to create this personality with food where I enslave myself by giving food that much power to make me feel guilty whenever I eat.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to avoid buying food to justify me starvation because of the belief that if I starve myself then I am equal to those who are starving and that I can feel their suffering and their pain and also pride myself that I have sacrificed myself to be like them.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to not enjoy the food I eat because I just want to eat just for the sake of keeping myself alive, therefore not being present with my food while I consume it and not using my senses to experience what I eat.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to not eat items that are good for my body and create an aversion to them because I got so used to eating the wrong foods and created more energetic links to these 'wrong foods.'

I forgive myself for allowing myself to not eat breakfast because I can't find the right foods to eat in the morning because I have developed an aversion to consuming things such as cereals as I believe they contain too much sugar, eggs because I believe they lead to high cholesterol, fruits because I don't like the way they taste and bread, butter and cheese because I believe they will lead to diabetes or make me fat.

When and as I see myself thinking of world starvation, I stop and I breathe. I tell myself that this is just another form of self-trap using guilt as a means to fuel the mind to keep me from nourishing my body. I commit to being one and equal to food, where I consume food that I need to feed my physical being, and do not allow myself to make food as my God where I fear that everything I eat will make me fat or unhealthy. The next time I eat, I commit to eating with gratitude as in being one an equal to that what I am being given to eat and also commit to being here during the moment I eat, with each bite, using taste buds and other senses to taste and feel what I am putting into my body.

When and as I see myself thinking that a particular food will produce a negative outcome,  I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that this is another mind trap using guilt to make me fear the outcome and fear death. I commit to eating foods that are closest to nature as much as possible and if I have to eat something like a dessert or treat, commit to eating in moderation and not experiencing any form of fear of becoming fat or unhealthy.

Day 4: Feeling torn between becoming vegetarian versus non-vegetarian

It has been less than 1 month since I haven't had any meat. Prior to that I was eating chicken almost everyday because I really loved proteins. Since this past few days, the thought of turning vegetarian popped into my a few times and I was contemplating to try to aim at changing my whole diet to exclude meat. I told that to my husband and he said : "No way! Human beings have been designed to consume meat." I thought that was interesting.

There are a few dimensions to consider here with becoming a vegetarian:

1. Being brainwashed by society to believe that eating animals implies bad karma and also you become a bad person
2. Being told by my doctor that we get most of our proteins from vegetables rather than mean
3. Awareness that in North America, lots of hormones are being injected into animals and they lead to diseases such as cancer and fear that if I consume animals that I will end up having those diseases
4. Being told constantly to only eat vegetables and fruits and less meat because meat makes you fat
5. People seem to enjoy a better status and that makes you feel special if you become a vegetarian- it is like you have been able to overcome a challenge, so you feel good about yourself
6. Being a hero for not promoting animal abuse on this planet

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that if I eat animals that I will end up having diseases such as cancer
I forgive myself for allowing myself to become brainwashed by society telling you to not consume meat because it promotes killing and you inherit bad karma
I forgive myself for allowing myself to develop an energetic relationship to meat where I believe that meat will make me fat
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel guilty for consuming meat because I am feeding into the cycle of animal abuse where more and more animals will have to be produced and slaughtered 
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel that if I can become vegetarian that I will feel heroic and that I would have done good karma because I will not be held accountable for slaughtering animals


When and as I see myself desiring to become a vegetarian, I stop and I breathe. I then tell myself that creating an energetic relationship with food is also creating what I do not wish to see, which is excess weight or diseases as I am operating from the starting point of FEAR. I commit to releasing all fears that I have towards meat and realize that I am eating something that has been provided to me and which is from this earth. I commit to testing to see how my body responds to meat and if I need to eliminate it, then it would only be because my physical body is not benefiting from its consumption.

Day 3: The quick weight loss fix and implications

I have always struggled with an excess of 10-15 pounds around my waist. As a result of that, I have developed a few energetic relationships including:

1. Seeing myself as ugly and unattractive
2. Seeing myself as fat
3. Wishing that I had a slim body like a top model through comparison
4. Wanting quick fixes to get rid of those extra pounds
5. Feeling angry and my genetics for not being 'ideal'
6. Not appreciating my body as in lack of self-acceptance
7. Giving into the society conditioning that only models are beautiful because of their body
8.  Seeing myself as inferior to other women who have slim bodies
9. Fear that I will become obese and that my partner will cease to love me
10. Not accepting myself for who I am as in wishing to have perfect attractive looks

I also end up thinking about my body all the time because in the American society, a lot of importance is placed on looks and having the perfect body shape. Turn on you TV and you will be bombarded with ads that directly or indirectly promote some product for weight loss. It has become an epidemic.

A few months ago, I desperately wanted to shed some pounds. I ended up investigating diet pills. I found one that had a 99% customer satisfaction and it was advertized on a very popular show so I thought that it should do the trick. The bottle said to take 2 pills which I did. The 2 pills were equivalent to 3-6 cups of coffee and I happen to not be a coffee drinker so I had a bad reaction to it. I felt dizzy and my breathing rate increased. At that time I thought I was going to die. Thank god I was working in the hospital that day and I instantly went down to seek help.

From that incident came my second panic attack and I realized then that all these products that have been advertized for weight loss are just not the safest. A lot of money gets wasted on them and not just that, we end up compromising our own health just for a quick fix. Consumerism and fast lifestyle has enabled us to invent things that tend to 'promise' to make our lives more convenient and that too really fast, but they do some at a risk.

So here is an overview of how we as a society create all of this.

First we create a system where we are chasing after money to make ends meet simultaneously promoting consumerism
Then we adopt a very fast paced lifestyle
As a consequence of that fast paced lifestyle we create stress in our lives and invent products to help us cope with that fast paced lifestyle such as fast foods and other sugary items which we crave due to stress
With fast foods we end up gaining weight especially because now they contain a lot of harmful ingredients that cause addiction
When we gain weight we see ourselves as unattractive and constantly start fueling the consciousness system with energy derived relationships via emitting emotions and feelings
Then we look for a fix to overcome this fast food epidemic via creating diet pills or rigid exercise programs to just shed the pounds to attempt to look attractive
This leads to a condition called yo yo dieting where we diet, shed the pounds and end up gaining it back again and we repeat the pattern throughout our lives
The creation of quick fix pills is another form of consumerism 
So we are simply fueling a cycle of consumerism where we start off with consuming and end up consuming

I  forgive myself for allowing myself to see myself as fat, unattractive and ugly because of an excess of 10 pounds around my waist.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to compare me with top models and wish that I had their figure because of the perception that they have the best bodies because they attract a lot of male attention and because I don't have males attracted to my body that I end up wishing to be in their shoes.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to create this belief that only women who are of the same size as models are seen as beautiful while the rest of us are simply fat and ugly, therefore creating an inferiority complex inside of me.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to become consumed with the collective mindset of north Americans where beauty is correlated to a perfect body as the starting point of that society is based on how good looking a person is, thereby creating inequality in several aspects because people are discriminated against just based on looks.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to blame my genes and parents for creating me the way I am due to that excess weight around me and experiencing anger
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my partner leaving me because of my excess weight
I forgive myself for allowing myself to only resort to quick fixes to help me with my extra weight loss

When and as I see myself comparing myself to other slim figures, I stop and I breathe. I instantly tell myself that by seeing other bodies as more beautiful that I have in fact implied to myself that I am not worthy and beautiful because I do not possess what models have, and as a result of that, create more agony and misery in my own life. I realize that by seeing others as more than me that I am creating abuse through the form of self-sabotage where I see myself, as life, as inferior that someone else, which does not make sense as life can't be inferior- life is life in whatever expression it comes from. I realize that by participating in the construct of competition, that I am only participating in a polarity game where  I have now created the concept of a winner and a loser and that fuels the mind via energy mind reactions. I therefore commit to stopping all reactions that I create whenever I see a picture of 'the ideal woman' in the media.

When and as I see myself desiring a quick fix for my weight loss, I stop and I breathe. I tell myself that a quick fix is not going to solve the root of the problem, it is simply like putting a bandage over a wound. The wound will heal on its own via the body while the bandage is simply providing a less threatening condition to promote self healing. Similarly, for weight loss, the self- correction is to realize that quick fixes only promote yo-yo dieting where one would spend the rest of their life eating and dieting and eating again and not enjoy a good life quality. I commit to making sure that I make food my medicine and incorporate in my diet those foods that will help my physical obtain nutrients.

When and as I see myself engaging in thoughts that promote self-sabotage such as seeing myself as fat, I pause and I breathe. I instantly tell myself that I fall within the healthy range in the BMI and that does not imply that I am fat. If my pants don't fit me anymore this is simply an indication that something is not in alignment and in this case I take 100% responsibility to eating better and healthier to ensure that I get back to the weight that I tend to be around.

Day 2: The Scale nightmare: Being defined by your weight

Today I weighed myself hoping that I would be 1 pound less. Instead I had actually gained a pound since yesterday. That gave me a sense of disappointment. For the past 3 weeks, due to my liquid food diet consumption, I had started to shed some unwanted pounds. When I noticed that I was losing weight that gave me a sense of pleasure.

The bathroom scale has turned me into a pendulum where I swing from one extreme to the other. When I lose weight I am happy but when I gain weight I am disappointed. Then I realized that what I have been creating all along is this energetic relationship to weight, where weight has now defined me and enslaved me, creating friction via weighing myself and experiencing emotions and feelings. How fascinating!

What that in return created was another energy dependence on eating habits. I would choose to not eat whenever I feel hungry because I had created another energy relationship, where the more I ate, the more weight I gained. Also with that relationship, another relationship got created: The more time I spend in the kitchen, the more I will eat and therefore the more weight I will gain. And it seems that this pattern can continue. With not wanting to eat also came not wanting to go and spend money on groceries because more groceries mean more time in the kitchen which means more to eat and therefore more weight to gain. And as a result of that came poor eating habits where I would only eat whatever I can put my hands on just to satisfy some hunger and as a result of that develop really bad habits such as snacking at night and then going to bed shortly after. In addition, I also created this lazy character in me where I would purposely not want to cook anything because I feel bad having to spend money on buying food and watching money disappear from my account just drives me nuts. Another energy dependence! Wow!

So let's recap this. Anxiety created via spending money on food leads to less food in the house which leads to less time being spent cooking food which leads to poor eating habits which leads to stress and this leads to weight gain which then leads back to anxiety as the mind now is consumed about weight all the time.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to create an energy dependence on money where lack of money caused by not purchasing groceries creates uncertainty and this leads to anxiety and fear.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to create an energy relationship to the amount of time spent in the kitchen where the more time I spend cooking implies that the more weight I will gain

I forgive myself for allowing myself to create an energy dependence on lack of food and eating habits where I would purposely starve myself whenever my stomach rumbles causing acid built up leading to poor health ailments such as inability to consume and digest food, all arising due to not eating on time.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to place my weight as the center of the universe where my weight will dictate my emotions and feelings and pivot from up and down generating energy constantly via the mind

I forgive myself for allowing myself to not take 100% responsibility for my health and disrespecting my body by not engaging in healthy behaviors such as spending time and energy preparing meals to ensure that the physical needs have been met.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to place money as the center of universe and not purchase food for myself because of my belief that saving money is more important than my feeding my physical body, therefore depriving myself of nutrients to keep me alive, and express myself in  this world.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge my body as being overweight whenever I am above 130 pounds because I have idealized my weight and told myself that if I am not 125 pounds that I am not healthy. 

When and as I see myself getting caught up with feelings and emotions arising due to  my weight, I pause and I breathe. I instantly tell myself that these reactions I experience an energy relationship with do not reflect  the conditions that my physical body needs to maintain to ensure that it is fully functional. What matters is that my body is in a condition to keep up with its daily progress so that it can sustain me, as life, whether it needs to be 120 or 130 pounds. I also realize that by putting weight as my starting point, that I am simply fuelling my mind with energy due to my participation in energy derived relationships by continuously thinking of my weight throughout the day and ignoring what is here at present. As a consequence, I put my mind first and my body last, therefore creating friction where I intentionally do not equalize myself to my body and mind and end up not honoring my body for what it does for me. My mind becomes God and my body becomes a slave to God due to the power that I give to my mind by participating in emotions and feelings derived whenever I react to my body weight. I commit to not using the scale anymore to judge myself by how much I weigh and honor my body by taking 100% responsibility to ensure that it is well taken care of through proper diet and activity.

Day 1: The Pseudo-Emotional Eater

The reason why I call myself a Pseudo emotional eater is because after investigating what an emotional eater is, I realize that I may not fit the definition, or do I?  Emotional eating is using food to make yourself feel better—eating to fill emotional needs, rather than to fill your stomach (http://www.helpguide.org/life/emotional_eating_stress_cravings.htm). I find for myself that there is a different reason why I end up having the eating habits that I possess.

When I was a kid, I remember that my grandma and perhaps my mother too used to tell me the following: "Hey, finish all the food here from this plate. There are many kids in Africa starving so out of respect for them we need to make sure food is consumed." As I grew older, when I used to watch videos about kids in Africa starving, that notion would consume my mind and make me feel helpless, angry and hopeless. Yet as I grew up my parents always provided food for me so I never really had any eating issues until I moved in with my partner in my parents in-suite.

When I moved in their suite, I knew I had to start cooking my own meals. At that time what developed in me was a personality that subconsciously did not want to eat due to this starving Africa kids construct. What is interesting is that it reversed where when I was a kid, I would have to finish everything from my plate but now that got switched to :"How can anyone in this world allow themselves to eat anything when plenty of people in this world are dying of starvation." I felt that I was  not worthy of the food I ate and that the food I was eating had become this form of punishment where I ended up experiencing guilt and madness whenever I thought about starvation. I therefore created an energy relationship with food and allowed food to actually consume me as opposed to me consuming food. Food became superior to me leading to my enslavement towards it as opposed to being equal to me.

With that mind construct came other dimensions. I ended up as a result not eating at the right time, as in not eating breakfast as soon as I woke up. MY stomach would rumble but I would still ignore the signs and just carry on with other stuffs as opposed to feeding my physical body. When I couldn't help it anymore as the rumblings increased, I would simply just grab whatever I could just to satisfy the pangs. As a result I would consume food without chewing properly or without enjoying what I ate. I ate just for the sake of eating but  never really enjoying it by being in the moment and using my senses to analyze what I ate. This lead to me gaining weight and eventually after 2-3 years, my digestive system was not 100% functional anymore.

For the past month, my body has been in starvation mode, where I could only rely on liquid foods to survive. I ended up getting body sensations that I had never experienced before like tons of bloating and feelings of stiffness in my upper chest. That would create fear and panic and 2 times I ended up creating panic attacks. That episode taught me a lot of things. I will do Self forgiveness and Realizations on this tomorrow.

The Worrier Personality and Journey to Trancendance

The past month has been one of the most toughest and also most revealing month of my entire existence. This year (2013), I encountered 3 panic attacks and these are encounters that I had never experienced before. My first panic attack was in May 2013 and that was at my Aunt's place back home. I then had another one in June due to some product that I reacted to. Then I had one in August and since that day, I have had to take a whole month off from work to recover.

Currently I am still recovering from this as I am typing. What has happened is that my digestive system for the past 3 weeks failed to take in much food because it could no longer digest anything anymore. Therefore for the past 3 weeks, I have barely been able to eat much. I mostly ate liquid food products and could no longer consume any meat products. It was almost like a body cleanse where I had to get rid of any toxin and really take in natural pills to repair my digestive organs before I could actually start eating again.

What lead to my panic attack was the fact that before my whole digestive system shut down, I was experiencing sensations in my body such as chest tightening which got me into a state of extreme fear and panic and therefore as a consequence of that gave rise to a panic attack and I ended up in the Emergency room at the hospital I was working at. As I look back to investigate what really created all this, I have come to realize how multi-dimensional this really is.

The mind is indeed a fiesty thing because it searches for any type of information or picture and immediately gives you a situation where one can experience fear. It seems that the more you talk yourself out of the fear, another picture comes in and that creates another point of fear.

 Here are a few dimensions that I came up with.

1. Poor eating habits

1. The psychological eater where I would punish myself and starve myself because of the pretext that there are millions of other kids starving in the world and therefore I do not deserve to eat because I can't help them.
2. Not taking my breaks on time because I want to make sure that I do not leave work pending for the other person
3. Snacking when I finish work at midnight
4. Not consuming the right foods for the body Not eating at the right time as in skipping breakfast
5. Worried that if I eat then I will gain weight Not cooking and freezing food to bring to work due to laziness and not wanting to spend money on buying food

 2. Personality seeking for events and anything to become a victim such as :

 a). Fearing death 

• Fear that I won't be able to transcend a lot of what I had accepted and allowed in this life 
• Fear of the pain that people go through while dying 
• Fear that I was going to die whenever my mind was reading through the symptoms
• Fear of aging and poor health (grandma dying due to one less lung)
• Fear that I won't be able to return back to earth because it is worse on the other side

b). Anxiety/Stress and other fears 

• Coworker issues and experiencing high anxiety due to guilt, regret, suppression, justification, righteousness, limiting beliefs 
• Fear of being seen or judged in a negative way
• Fear of not being appreciated 
• Angry at the manager for not being trustworthy, efficient and responsible when it comes to addressing concerns

c) Taking things personally 
Feeling hurt before analyzing situations and contexts

d) Assuming the worst 
Thinking I am being the subject of conversation when 2 people are talking quietly in another corner of the room

e) Always worrying about the future and how things will be if there is no system in place for it

f) Wanting to please another person to avoid conflict and be seen as a nice person, therefore making
decisions on feelings and emotions

g) Upbringing/Society
    My growing up was filled with my parents always controlling me due to their society beliefs and so on. This made me really suppressed and consequently I ended up giving up on wanting to be in power because rebelling with parents did not work.  I developed the 'victim' personality as well as taking other people's burden on my shoulders.


AS I write each blog, I will do SF on each point