The reason why I call myself a Pseudo emotional eater is because after investigating what an emotional eater is, I realize that I may not fit the definition, or do I? Emotional eating is using food to make yourself feel better—eating to fill emotional needs, rather than to fill your stomach (http://www.helpguide.org/life/emotional_eating_stress_cravings.htm). I find for myself that there is a different reason why I end up having the eating habits that I possess.
When I was a kid, I remember that my grandma and perhaps my mother too used to tell me the following: "Hey, finish all the food here from this plate. There are many kids in Africa starving so out of respect for them we need to make sure food is consumed." As I grew older, when I used to watch videos about kids in Africa starving, that notion would consume my mind and make me feel helpless, angry and hopeless. Yet as I grew up my parents always provided food for me so I never really had any eating issues until I moved in with my partner in my parents in-suite.
When I moved in their suite, I knew I had to start cooking my own meals. At that time what developed in me was a personality that subconsciously did not want to eat due to this starving Africa kids construct. What is interesting is that it reversed where when I was a kid, I would have to finish everything from my plate but now that got switched to :"How can anyone in this world allow themselves to eat anything when plenty of people in this world are dying of starvation." I felt that I was not worthy of the food I ate and that the food I was eating had become this form of punishment where I ended up experiencing guilt and madness whenever I thought about starvation. I therefore created an energy relationship with food and allowed food to actually consume me as opposed to me consuming food. Food became superior to me leading to my enslavement towards it as opposed to being equal to me.
With that mind construct came other dimensions. I ended up as a result not eating at the right time, as in not eating breakfast as soon as I woke up. MY stomach would rumble but I would still ignore the signs and just carry on with other stuffs as opposed to feeding my physical body. When I couldn't help it anymore as the rumblings increased, I would simply just grab whatever I could just to satisfy the pangs. As a result I would consume food without chewing properly or without enjoying what I ate. I ate just for the sake of eating but never really enjoying it by being in the moment and using my senses to analyze what I ate. This lead to me gaining weight and eventually after 2-3 years, my digestive system was not 100% functional anymore.
For the past month, my body has been in starvation mode, where I could only rely on liquid foods to survive. I ended up getting body sensations that I had never experienced before like tons of bloating and feelings of stiffness in my upper chest. That would create fear and panic and 2 times I ended up creating panic attacks. That episode taught me a lot of things. I will do Self forgiveness and Realizations on this tomorrow.
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