I have struggled since childhood with one major thing which is not being able to drink 8 glasses of water. I would say that a good day for me would be being able to actually drink 3 glasses of water. I seem to only consume water when I feel thirsty which never really seems to happen throughout the day.
My doctor has been constantly pushing me to drink at least 8 glasses per day for the past 2 months. There has been a few days where I quietly obeyed and then after a few days, it would be back to square 1 where I just did not want to consume anything anymore.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consume water whenever I am thirsty and not push through drinking more water knowing that water is medicine and that our physical bodies require a certain amount of water a day. I commit to drinking at least 6-8 glasses of water a day.
Thursday 19 December 2013
Wednesday 18 December 2013
Day 34: Recurring memories: The Abusive Character
I am opening up a new thread called " Recurring Memories". In this blog series, I will write about specific memories that seem to come through constantly or periodically.
The one memory that seems to keep jogging in my mind is about my aunt. She was physically and emotionally abused by her husband who had been cheating on her for almost 20 years. She attempted suicide a couple of times but was always saved by her sisters or her son. I just talked to my mum about this and asked her : " Mum, why didn't aunty just choose to divorce?" Her answer was because of their upbringing where divorce at the time was seen as something really shameful and caused the family's reputation to just go down. In addition, she lived in a time where there was a preconceived judgement around raising kids by a single parent. At the time, people believed that parents have to sacrifice themselves for the well-being of their kids, by enduring whatever came their way such as abuse so that the child can at least have a dad.
I wanted to know what my mum thought of that and she answered that both divorce and staying in an abusive relationship would cause harm to the child. I found that to be interesting for my mum according to me has always been a symbol of sacrifice. To tell me that divorce is not a bad thing in this context was something I was happy to hear. It is interesting how being raised affects one life where one will end up in a position of sacrifice to please society and others but never please self. Growing up, divorce was something seen as sinful and unacceptable but nowadays it is quite a fashion.
I remembered staying at my aunty's place as a kid and I would constantly hear them fighting and screaming at one another and glasses would be broken. I was less than 5 years at the time. I was traumatized. My parents never fought and yelled at each other that way. Going to my aunt's place was a nightmare. As a result of my uncle's cheating I ended up distrusting men in general. What I thought and still subconsciously think of men is that they are assholes because they cheat and treat women like shit.
I grew up fearing that someday the same would happen to me. I still find in my relationship that even though I have come to really appreciate my husband, deep down inside of me does not trust him just because he is a man.
What my aunt has taught me though is that in the darkest moments, even if you are being abused in many ways, one needs to stand and realize that life is precious. Taking one's life away in such circumstances will only fuel regret after. Most of us will realize once we die that we did not accomplish what we wanted to do while we had the chance to do so on this planet and in this physical body. Therefore, in those circumstances, to end the abuse, one must really understand that staying in a relationship just to please society is only teaching a kid that it is acceptable to be abusive. Also by looking at their parent's abuse, the child will learn and subconsciously justify that it is acceptable to abuse others or be abused. They will never understand that stopping the abuse means standing up for oneself by not fueling the cycle, and this is done by ending the relationship or doing something to put an end to that cycle such as some form of therapy.
One needs to also realize that what society has taught us with regards to social norms may also cause one to induce in self-sabotage. For instance, women are seen as objects in many countries or as unequal to men. Women are taught that their primary role is to simply please their husband no matter what. The consequence is that we end up fueling a cycle of abuse where now the man has obtained more power and is in a position of control while the woman becomes a victim. This cycle has repeated itself throughout history and it still continuing to do so in many countries.
It is time that we all stand up for equality where both men and women are treated the same. We all need to recognize that relationships require time and devotion as in both parties taking 100% responsibility to create a relationship which they both agree on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop mistrust for all men because of my abusive uncle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to dwell on past memories of trauma where I ended up experiencing extreme fear when I would hear people screaming and breaking glassware.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring that mistrust into my relationship with my husband.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conclude that divorce is bad and therefore women should just suppress themselves and give in to whatever their man is wanting them to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that divorce would happen to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience feelings of pity and sadness for my aunt because she chose to stay in the relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that my aunt could turn back time and have a better life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel some anger towards my aunt for allowing herself to remain in an abusive relationship.
When and as I catch myself having thoughts of my aunt and her past, I pause and I breathe. I realize that what she has gone through has nothing to do with me but that was her choice and her life path which she chose for her own reasons. I understand that this memory is simply haunting me because of my fear of divorce where I wish in my mind that my aunt would have divorced but at the same time I fear it for myself. Therefore my new definition of divorce is: The act of 2 people choosing to part ways to ensure a consequential outflow which is best for all via breaking patterns that are promoting abuse and self-sabotage. I commit to living my life based on that new definition and let go of any charges that I have linked to that word.
The one memory that seems to keep jogging in my mind is about my aunt. She was physically and emotionally abused by her husband who had been cheating on her for almost 20 years. She attempted suicide a couple of times but was always saved by her sisters or her son. I just talked to my mum about this and asked her : " Mum, why didn't aunty just choose to divorce?" Her answer was because of their upbringing where divorce at the time was seen as something really shameful and caused the family's reputation to just go down. In addition, she lived in a time where there was a preconceived judgement around raising kids by a single parent. At the time, people believed that parents have to sacrifice themselves for the well-being of their kids, by enduring whatever came their way such as abuse so that the child can at least have a dad.
I wanted to know what my mum thought of that and she answered that both divorce and staying in an abusive relationship would cause harm to the child. I found that to be interesting for my mum according to me has always been a symbol of sacrifice. To tell me that divorce is not a bad thing in this context was something I was happy to hear. It is interesting how being raised affects one life where one will end up in a position of sacrifice to please society and others but never please self. Growing up, divorce was something seen as sinful and unacceptable but nowadays it is quite a fashion.
I remembered staying at my aunty's place as a kid and I would constantly hear them fighting and screaming at one another and glasses would be broken. I was less than 5 years at the time. I was traumatized. My parents never fought and yelled at each other that way. Going to my aunt's place was a nightmare. As a result of my uncle's cheating I ended up distrusting men in general. What I thought and still subconsciously think of men is that they are assholes because they cheat and treat women like shit.
I grew up fearing that someday the same would happen to me. I still find in my relationship that even though I have come to really appreciate my husband, deep down inside of me does not trust him just because he is a man.
What my aunt has taught me though is that in the darkest moments, even if you are being abused in many ways, one needs to stand and realize that life is precious. Taking one's life away in such circumstances will only fuel regret after. Most of us will realize once we die that we did not accomplish what we wanted to do while we had the chance to do so on this planet and in this physical body. Therefore, in those circumstances, to end the abuse, one must really understand that staying in a relationship just to please society is only teaching a kid that it is acceptable to be abusive. Also by looking at their parent's abuse, the child will learn and subconsciously justify that it is acceptable to abuse others or be abused. They will never understand that stopping the abuse means standing up for oneself by not fueling the cycle, and this is done by ending the relationship or doing something to put an end to that cycle such as some form of therapy.
One needs to also realize that what society has taught us with regards to social norms may also cause one to induce in self-sabotage. For instance, women are seen as objects in many countries or as unequal to men. Women are taught that their primary role is to simply please their husband no matter what. The consequence is that we end up fueling a cycle of abuse where now the man has obtained more power and is in a position of control while the woman becomes a victim. This cycle has repeated itself throughout history and it still continuing to do so in many countries.
It is time that we all stand up for equality where both men and women are treated the same. We all need to recognize that relationships require time and devotion as in both parties taking 100% responsibility to create a relationship which they both agree on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop mistrust for all men because of my abusive uncle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to dwell on past memories of trauma where I ended up experiencing extreme fear when I would hear people screaming and breaking glassware.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring that mistrust into my relationship with my husband.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conclude that divorce is bad and therefore women should just suppress themselves and give in to whatever their man is wanting them to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that divorce would happen to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience feelings of pity and sadness for my aunt because she chose to stay in the relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that my aunt could turn back time and have a better life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel some anger towards my aunt for allowing herself to remain in an abusive relationship.
When and as I catch myself having thoughts of my aunt and her past, I pause and I breathe. I realize that what she has gone through has nothing to do with me but that was her choice and her life path which she chose for her own reasons. I understand that this memory is simply haunting me because of my fear of divorce where I wish in my mind that my aunt would have divorced but at the same time I fear it for myself. Therefore my new definition of divorce is: The act of 2 people choosing to part ways to ensure a consequential outflow which is best for all via breaking patterns that are promoting abuse and self-sabotage. I commit to living my life based on that new definition and let go of any charges that I have linked to that word.
Tuesday 17 December 2013
Day 33: Resistance to writing
Doing my daily blogs has been quite challenging in the sense that I find that I have this procrastinating behavior where I tell myself that I will blog shortly but never really push myself to do it. Therefore, I
decided to write about this point which I am sure a lot of us face at least in the beginning stages of
writing.
It is amazing how powerful our minds have become in that whenever we want to change something, like a certain personality trait or behavior, our mind does everything in its power to just stop us from doing so. We end up developing this form of energetic resistance which usually creates a lazy character and then entails some form of energetic reaction such as guilt or shame.
I found for myself that there are 2 instances where I want to do something to break my habits but I find it hard to maintain that. First would be to go out for daily walks and second would be for blogging. The weird thing that I noticed is that I never thought of myself as a procrastinator. For instance, I know in high school towards my final years, I would actually do homework the same day it was assigned. Therefore, I thought I was on the right track in assuming 100% responsibility and not leaving things for the very last minute.
Yet, this has not been the case with my journey to life blogs. Breaking out of patterns to create new ones requires persistence and effort. That has a lot to do with our cognition, in other words the way our neurons work. Forming new habits means forming new neurons and that can only be accomplished with complete dedication and persistence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resistance to writing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a lazy character as a result of not writing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a procrastinating character as a result of not writing.
When and as I see myself wanting to postpone my writing, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that by doing so I allowing myself to create more friction via resistance. I therefore commit to ensuring I write on a regular basis and not spontaneously or whenever I feel like it.
decided to write about this point which I am sure a lot of us face at least in the beginning stages of
writing.
It is amazing how powerful our minds have become in that whenever we want to change something, like a certain personality trait or behavior, our mind does everything in its power to just stop us from doing so. We end up developing this form of energetic resistance which usually creates a lazy character and then entails some form of energetic reaction such as guilt or shame.
I found for myself that there are 2 instances where I want to do something to break my habits but I find it hard to maintain that. First would be to go out for daily walks and second would be for blogging. The weird thing that I noticed is that I never thought of myself as a procrastinator. For instance, I know in high school towards my final years, I would actually do homework the same day it was assigned. Therefore, I thought I was on the right track in assuming 100% responsibility and not leaving things for the very last minute.
Yet, this has not been the case with my journey to life blogs. Breaking out of patterns to create new ones requires persistence and effort. That has a lot to do with our cognition, in other words the way our neurons work. Forming new habits means forming new neurons and that can only be accomplished with complete dedication and persistence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resistance to writing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a lazy character as a result of not writing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a procrastinating character as a result of not writing.
When and as I see myself wanting to postpone my writing, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that by doing so I allowing myself to create more friction via resistance. I therefore commit to ensuring I write on a regular basis and not spontaneously or whenever I feel like it.
Friday 13 December 2013
Day 32: No occasion to wear anything, what is the point of living?
When I first moved to Canada 14 years ago, something that struck me was the way people here dressed. I came from a country where whenever there was an occasion to socialize, such as a birthday party or wedding, people would make sure they would dress up nicely. Here, I found that most people are just too casual. People wear yoga pants to actually go to school or walk on the streets.
As a result, I have developped this 'boring personality' which reflects on the way I dress. I only wear the colors that people here wear which are gray and black. I end up just wearing casual clothes which are simple and just don't make me feel good. When I go to shopping malls and browse at clothes, I find that I end up thinking about 1 major thing which is will I ever wear that as in do I have an occasion to wear it? I find that since I do not have a great social life here where I get to meet and socialize with people etc, I have no use for any clothes.
My life simply revolves around work, seeing my man play tennis, shopping for groceries and occasionally meeting a couple of friends who are themselves casual. For those occasions, I have no chance to dress nicely as in wearing beautiful outfits. I don't see myself wearing accessories and a chic top just to go buy food. With this attitude, I find that my life is just pointless. I mean it is the daily grind. Work and home. Groceries and that is it. Nothing else to do. I find that days go by and I feel that I have wasted my life away.I have done nothing of purpose to add value to society. I have done nothing to add value to my own life. I don't understand what to do anymore. I feel so lonely and isolated.
It seems that when I look at the world and the way people behave, at least in the city in which I live, there is so much disconnect amongst all of us. People no longer know how to socialize. People no longer share themselves with another one. People will meet and greet and exchange a few words and then move on. I have sought to understand what has caused all that to happen. What I see is that we are reaping the unfortunate consequence of a world system just gone bad. People are surviving and working hard to earn money. Those who do have money don't know how to use it properly. People don't seem interested in socializing because all they care about is how am I going to survive? So many people are currently jobless. That is a sad reality.
We need a better world system. Please investigate Living Income Guaranteed.
As a result, I have developped this 'boring personality' which reflects on the way I dress. I only wear the colors that people here wear which are gray and black. I end up just wearing casual clothes which are simple and just don't make me feel good. When I go to shopping malls and browse at clothes, I find that I end up thinking about 1 major thing which is will I ever wear that as in do I have an occasion to wear it? I find that since I do not have a great social life here where I get to meet and socialize with people etc, I have no use for any clothes.
My life simply revolves around work, seeing my man play tennis, shopping for groceries and occasionally meeting a couple of friends who are themselves casual. For those occasions, I have no chance to dress nicely as in wearing beautiful outfits. I don't see myself wearing accessories and a chic top just to go buy food. With this attitude, I find that my life is just pointless. I mean it is the daily grind. Work and home. Groceries and that is it. Nothing else to do. I find that days go by and I feel that I have wasted my life away.I have done nothing of purpose to add value to society. I have done nothing to add value to my own life. I don't understand what to do anymore. I feel so lonely and isolated.
It seems that when I look at the world and the way people behave, at least in the city in which I live, there is so much disconnect amongst all of us. People no longer know how to socialize. People no longer share themselves with another one. People will meet and greet and exchange a few words and then move on. I have sought to understand what has caused all that to happen. What I see is that we are reaping the unfortunate consequence of a world system just gone bad. People are surviving and working hard to earn money. Those who do have money don't know how to use it properly. People don't seem interested in socializing because all they care about is how am I going to survive? So many people are currently jobless. That is a sad reality.
We need a better world system. Please investigate Living Income Guaranteed.
Tuesday 10 December 2013
Day 30: The Trophy Kid
Today, I went to see my psychologist and I had an interesting realization. Society places a lot of expectations on being a trophy wife, but have we ever taken a step back and really observed what we are doing to our kids? Parents in general want their kids to become trophy kids, where they place expectations on what their kids should achieve to satisfy their own desires.
Typically, parents want their kids to excel at everything, especially academics. For some parents, it is also about having their kids become popular and famous. When the kids do not perform as per what the parents desire, then comes conflict. Then the relationship between parents and kids take a downwards turn and some kids choose to never speak to their parents again.
Yet, the trophy kids can also find its way into more global issues such as poverty. In countries like India for instance, it is not surprising to find people making kids and then purposely breaking a leg or finger to arouse pity in others who would donate money to them. In such extreme cases, kids are not even seen as humans but objects for money.
Kids have unfortunately become the new trophy, where they are placed into this world with the starting premise of helping parents boost their ego via the kid's performance. I hear my coworkers brag a lot about their kids and how skilful and popular they are. All I can wonder is why? If your kid is that great, why brag about them?
It is time that we see kids for really who they are, living expressions who are born to develop their potentials and bring about a world filled with equality. It is time that we move from a world of competition to cooperation where we teach kids values which will help them serve mankind. It is time we see kids for what talents they bring with them to this world as opposed to what talents we parents want them to evolve.
SF:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a victim because I failed to fulfil my parent's desires.
When and as I see myself feeling sad, angry, overwhelmed and upset that I did not meet expectations, I pause and I breathe. I allow myself to release myself from this energetic dependence I am holding onto, which is simply just fueling the mind. I understand that in order for me to not repeat the same pattern as my parents, that I am required to let go of that accumulated energy and train my mind to seek to help my child understand where their talents are and how to develop them.
Typically, parents want their kids to excel at everything, especially academics. For some parents, it is also about having their kids become popular and famous. When the kids do not perform as per what the parents desire, then comes conflict. Then the relationship between parents and kids take a downwards turn and some kids choose to never speak to their parents again.
Yet, the trophy kids can also find its way into more global issues such as poverty. In countries like India for instance, it is not surprising to find people making kids and then purposely breaking a leg or finger to arouse pity in others who would donate money to them. In such extreme cases, kids are not even seen as humans but objects for money.
Kids have unfortunately become the new trophy, where they are placed into this world with the starting premise of helping parents boost their ego via the kid's performance. I hear my coworkers brag a lot about their kids and how skilful and popular they are. All I can wonder is why? If your kid is that great, why brag about them?
It is time that we see kids for really who they are, living expressions who are born to develop their potentials and bring about a world filled with equality. It is time that we move from a world of competition to cooperation where we teach kids values which will help them serve mankind. It is time we see kids for what talents they bring with them to this world as opposed to what talents we parents want them to evolve.
SF:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a victim because I failed to fulfil my parent's desires.
When and as I see myself feeling sad, angry, overwhelmed and upset that I did not meet expectations, I pause and I breathe. I allow myself to release myself from this energetic dependence I am holding onto, which is simply just fueling the mind. I understand that in order for me to not repeat the same pattern as my parents, that I am required to let go of that accumulated energy and train my mind to seek to help my child understand where their talents are and how to develop them.
Sunday 8 December 2013
day 31: Saving the world character
I have since a kid evolved this personality trait regarding saving the world where I engage a lot in wishful thinking. I have come to understand that this comes from my parents wanting me to become a doctor and what my dad did was constantly refer me to Florence Nightingale and wanted me to dare to become like her. Therefore since a kid I have constantly been dreaming about wanting to become this heroic figure which attempts to save humanity from all chaos.
I also find that watching movies also contributes to developing a heroic personality. Men in movies are mainly seen as a hero while females are there as a support person or sex icon.What I find in my dreams and imaginations is me standing in front of a huge crowd of people and doing a noble act. For the past few weeks, I have been imagining myself in a TV competition and what I did was direct acts to bring about a new system (EMS) by slowing attempting to make the audience understand that this current system is just not working. In that imaginative scene, I portray myself as a magnetic person who is able to 'wow' people because I am showing them a new way of thinking which is entirely based on common sense.
Pretty much, from what I see, is my strong desire to wish to have people switch their perspective from what they are currently accepting and allowing to something that I am studying (the DIP). At first, I thought well, that is what we all should be doing. We should be promoting this new way of thinking and new system design. Yet, I know that simply wishing that this would happen is another mind created energetic relationship, where I am constantly allowing my mind to play out scenes and imaginations of whatever I desire to accomplish.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in wishful thinking, where I would constantly spend most of my time living in my mind as opposed to being here in the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by what my parents desired that I become, where I created this personality in my mind where I now should aim to be like Florence Nightingale.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the hero construct, where I create an imaginative personality who is seen as a hero, therefore participating in a polarity construct as for a hero to exist implies that a zero should exist as well.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself as wondergirl who will do anything and everything to just save people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become influenced from movies and cartoons where I now begin to believe that becoming a hero is what I should aim at doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously fuel the mind system by imagining being in front of a big audience and doing what needed to be done to help them understand about current reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want other people to develop common sense when I myself have not yet developed that.
When and as I see myself imagining being in front of a stage and imagining me in a situation where I get to influence people, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that this imagination is simply just fueling the mind system because by continuously participating in my thoughts, I am not doing anything constructive with regards to being here in the now and in the physical. I commit to releasing myself from this energetic relationship of imagination via breath and engaging in activities to promote the system in real physical reality. I also commit to letting go on the energetic relationship I have created with respect to what my parents wanted me to become by realizing that they were simply coming from their own perspectives and mindset and that they did not know better.
I also find that watching movies also contributes to developing a heroic personality. Men in movies are mainly seen as a hero while females are there as a support person or sex icon.What I find in my dreams and imaginations is me standing in front of a huge crowd of people and doing a noble act. For the past few weeks, I have been imagining myself in a TV competition and what I did was direct acts to bring about a new system (EMS) by slowing attempting to make the audience understand that this current system is just not working. In that imaginative scene, I portray myself as a magnetic person who is able to 'wow' people because I am showing them a new way of thinking which is entirely based on common sense.
Pretty much, from what I see, is my strong desire to wish to have people switch their perspective from what they are currently accepting and allowing to something that I am studying (the DIP). At first, I thought well, that is what we all should be doing. We should be promoting this new way of thinking and new system design. Yet, I know that simply wishing that this would happen is another mind created energetic relationship, where I am constantly allowing my mind to play out scenes and imaginations of whatever I desire to accomplish.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in wishful thinking, where I would constantly spend most of my time living in my mind as opposed to being here in the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by what my parents desired that I become, where I created this personality in my mind where I now should aim to be like Florence Nightingale.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the hero construct, where I create an imaginative personality who is seen as a hero, therefore participating in a polarity construct as for a hero to exist implies that a zero should exist as well.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself as wondergirl who will do anything and everything to just save people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become influenced from movies and cartoons where I now begin to believe that becoming a hero is what I should aim at doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously fuel the mind system by imagining being in front of a big audience and doing what needed to be done to help them understand about current reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want other people to develop common sense when I myself have not yet developed that.
When and as I see myself imagining being in front of a stage and imagining me in a situation where I get to influence people, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that this imagination is simply just fueling the mind system because by continuously participating in my thoughts, I am not doing anything constructive with regards to being here in the now and in the physical. I commit to releasing myself from this energetic relationship of imagination via breath and engaging in activities to promote the system in real physical reality. I also commit to letting go on the energetic relationship I have created with respect to what my parents wanted me to become by realizing that they were simply coming from their own perspectives and mindset and that they did not know better.
Tuesday 26 November 2013
Day 28: Underestimating one's potentials- not knowing who one is
We are walking the 'underestimating one's potential' character where today we are looking at the side where we simply do not know who we are. Not knowing who one is with respect to potentials/skills/desires is a major root cause leading to us just going through life like a leaf floating on water being directed by tidal waves.
Most of us have some sort of an idea of what our potentials and likes are.But we are never really sure of what we really want. Chances are that if we were, we would be achieving them by now. We would be participating in actions which would lead us to achieve that what we want to achieve. Then why are we not looking to develop our potentials?
When I look at my life, I myself have to answer the question: "why haven't I lived or am I not living my potentials?" The answer that hits me is that I am playing the lazy personality. I would have never imagined that I would turn into someone who is lazy. By lazy I am referring to not being motivated enough to accomplish anything. I just want the comfort and the easy way out. I always thought that my life was hard but now I am realizing that I have been sheltered too much and all the comforts of life have been provided to me.
Consequently, I feel no drive to achieve or do anything more than what I am already doing. Life is just too easy. When life becomes too easy, the mind starts looking for things to counteract that. What I notice is that I end up preoccupying my mind with thoughts of wishing I had a lot of money so that I could simply donate it to poor people. That would be like winning the jackpot and donating money which is really easy. It is like the perfect escape to not taking 100% responsibility and walking the system to actually achieve financial stability and dreaming that money will simply pour itself into one's life. That is what the lazy character does. It plays out situations in the mind where one simply obtains things easy and instead of educating ourselves, we just want the easy way out.
What I am starting to realize is that by not engaging in self discipline through creating new habits I am simply giving into this constant loop of just seeking comfort. Sometimes I imagine myself turning 100 and looking back regretting that I did not participate in activities where I would have made a difference in my life and that of others. Guilt then follows. Breaking habits and patterns is indeed something that takes commitment and discipline.
SF:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop this lazy character where I would simply just give in and not engage in activities or behaviors that will benefit society and myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not further develop my potentials by constantly trying to find excuses for not engaging in anything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of wishing to win the jackpot so that I can just live in ease and help other people to do the same.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame and guilt for wanting to make a lot of money and helping out people via donating or just give them money away.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel mad at myself for not having any potential and viewing myself as a boring individual.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make the most of what I have currently by giving my 100% to anything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a lot of money and as a consequence just donate all my money away to some cause so that I evade taking 100% responsibility to creating something out of this money which would be best for all.
I commit to taking 100% responsibility to engage in activities that will sustain my physical and direct me to doing what is best for all by breaking out of bad habits.
Most of us have some sort of an idea of what our potentials and likes are.But we are never really sure of what we really want. Chances are that if we were, we would be achieving them by now. We would be participating in actions which would lead us to achieve that what we want to achieve. Then why are we not looking to develop our potentials?
When I look at my life, I myself have to answer the question: "why haven't I lived or am I not living my potentials?" The answer that hits me is that I am playing the lazy personality. I would have never imagined that I would turn into someone who is lazy. By lazy I am referring to not being motivated enough to accomplish anything. I just want the comfort and the easy way out. I always thought that my life was hard but now I am realizing that I have been sheltered too much and all the comforts of life have been provided to me.
Consequently, I feel no drive to achieve or do anything more than what I am already doing. Life is just too easy. When life becomes too easy, the mind starts looking for things to counteract that. What I notice is that I end up preoccupying my mind with thoughts of wishing I had a lot of money so that I could simply donate it to poor people. That would be like winning the jackpot and donating money which is really easy. It is like the perfect escape to not taking 100% responsibility and walking the system to actually achieve financial stability and dreaming that money will simply pour itself into one's life. That is what the lazy character does. It plays out situations in the mind where one simply obtains things easy and instead of educating ourselves, we just want the easy way out.
What I am starting to realize is that by not engaging in self discipline through creating new habits I am simply giving into this constant loop of just seeking comfort. Sometimes I imagine myself turning 100 and looking back regretting that I did not participate in activities where I would have made a difference in my life and that of others. Guilt then follows. Breaking habits and patterns is indeed something that takes commitment and discipline.
SF:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop this lazy character where I would simply just give in and not engage in activities or behaviors that will benefit society and myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not further develop my potentials by constantly trying to find excuses for not engaging in anything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of wishing to win the jackpot so that I can just live in ease and help other people to do the same.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame and guilt for wanting to make a lot of money and helping out people via donating or just give them money away.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel mad at myself for not having any potential and viewing myself as a boring individual.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make the most of what I have currently by giving my 100% to anything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a lot of money and as a consequence just donate all my money away to some cause so that I evade taking 100% responsibility to creating something out of this money which would be best for all.
I commit to taking 100% responsibility to engage in activities that will sustain my physical and direct me to doing what is best for all by breaking out of bad habits.
Day 27: Underestimating one's potentials- being looked down and lack of confidence
Lack of confidence in one's abilities can occur when in the past one has always been lead to believe they are not capable of doing what they want to do. When parents are raising kids, one of the most fundamental mistakes that can happen is when they impose on their kids their own dreams and expectations. When the kids choose to not live up to their parents dream or fail to do so, they can be frowned upon and looked down and therefore they begin to underestimate their potentials.
When I look back, I don't really recall specific instances where my parents have looked down upon me. Instead, I noticed that they pretty much wanted me to succeed and therefore tried their best to encourage me and support me. Yet, when I listen to other people speak, I find that they have a total different experience. In their case, their parents told them that they will never do it as in making it big. When a child hears the same things repeatedly, they turn into society slaves who live life with no self acceptance.
What parents need to understand is that children are merely a reflection of who they have allowed and accepted themselves to become. If a parent is telling their child that they can't make it, what they have claimed is that they failed to make it themselves and therefore their kids will never be able to do so.
Let us analyze what is really going on here. Something the child does triggers a reaction or thought in the parent. This reaction or though originates because there is some sort of unfinished business in the parent's life such as they wanted to be the best athlete or doctor but circumstances or choice did not make that happen for them. They therefore develop this anger or frustration in them and want to seek revenge so that they can achieve that feeling of success they so desire. When they react to a child's performance or bahevior, this flaw they see in their child is something that drives them crazy as now this flaw will not allow the child to become successful so that the parent's ego is being fed. Therefore, the flaw or imperfection that they perceive in the child is something which originates from them, the parents. In other words, the parent has just created a flaw in that kid. What happens then is that they tell the kid about the flaw that they have just created and start labeling the kid with that particular flaw. Keep in mind, the kid itself did not create anything here ass they are simply expressing themselves in a given time frame.
So now the child goes through life being seen as inadequate in their parents eyes for something they themselves did not create but since they follow their parent's guidance, they are subject to that influence. The child internalizes the flaw that the parents had created. The child then spends the rest of their life living out that flaw where now the flaw will cause them to develop a specific personality or behavior. As an example, low self esteem and lack of self confidence in one originates due to that.
What can we parents realize and learn from all this? First, when we look at our child and react to what they are expressing. Let us question why we are reacting to that. Let us then investigate in our lives the root cause of this trigger and fix it. If we parents are driven by this energetic drive to just want our kids to be the best at everything so that we can obtain the validation that our genes are the best, then what are we promoting on this planet? We are simply just promoting more competition as we will create winners and losers and swing from one side to the other to feed our egos. Let us instead just aim at developing our children's potentials by seeing what their ambitions are and encouraging those seeds to germinate.
When I look back, I don't really recall specific instances where my parents have looked down upon me. Instead, I noticed that they pretty much wanted me to succeed and therefore tried their best to encourage me and support me. Yet, when I listen to other people speak, I find that they have a total different experience. In their case, their parents told them that they will never do it as in making it big. When a child hears the same things repeatedly, they turn into society slaves who live life with no self acceptance.
What parents need to understand is that children are merely a reflection of who they have allowed and accepted themselves to become. If a parent is telling their child that they can't make it, what they have claimed is that they failed to make it themselves and therefore their kids will never be able to do so.
Let us analyze what is really going on here. Something the child does triggers a reaction or thought in the parent. This reaction or though originates because there is some sort of unfinished business in the parent's life such as they wanted to be the best athlete or doctor but circumstances or choice did not make that happen for them. They therefore develop this anger or frustration in them and want to seek revenge so that they can achieve that feeling of success they so desire. When they react to a child's performance or bahevior, this flaw they see in their child is something that drives them crazy as now this flaw will not allow the child to become successful so that the parent's ego is being fed. Therefore, the flaw or imperfection that they perceive in the child is something which originates from them, the parents. In other words, the parent has just created a flaw in that kid. What happens then is that they tell the kid about the flaw that they have just created and start labeling the kid with that particular flaw. Keep in mind, the kid itself did not create anything here ass they are simply expressing themselves in a given time frame.
So now the child goes through life being seen as inadequate in their parents eyes for something they themselves did not create but since they follow their parent's guidance, they are subject to that influence. The child internalizes the flaw that the parents had created. The child then spends the rest of their life living out that flaw where now the flaw will cause them to develop a specific personality or behavior. As an example, low self esteem and lack of self confidence in one originates due to that.
What can we parents realize and learn from all this? First, when we look at our child and react to what they are expressing. Let us question why we are reacting to that. Let us then investigate in our lives the root cause of this trigger and fix it. If we parents are driven by this energetic drive to just want our kids to be the best at everything so that we can obtain the validation that our genes are the best, then what are we promoting on this planet? We are simply just promoting more competition as we will create winners and losers and swing from one side to the other to feed our egos. Let us instead just aim at developing our children's potentials by seeing what their ambitions are and encouraging those seeds to germinate.
Sunday 24 November 2013
Day 25:Underestimating one's potential- feeling insecure continued
SF:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my past experiences where I had thought of myself as a failure to continue to exist in this current time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to fuel the mind with energy by subconsciously accepting and allowing myself to revert back to past experiences where I feel that I failed to meet my own expectations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to my other classmates who had been ranked within the top 50 as soon as I obtained my results from primary school exams.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel defeated that I could not make my parents proud because of my ranking and career choice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame, embarrassment, and hatred whenever I got my o-level results and realized at the time that I did not meet my own expectations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just submit as opposed to standing up and questioning things whenever they happen.
When and as I see myself thinking back to my past experiences of not being able to meet my own expectations, I pause and I breathe. I realize that this is something that I have created and the fear of failure is what triggered a lot of the consequence that I had obtained. I understand also that having to meet expectations can be unrealistic if one does not set for themselves realistic or practical goals. I also understand my starting point for wanting to do well was simply to fuel my ego where I would feel proud and accomplished that I have achieved the best results and allow this feeling of superiority to build inside of me.
I commit through breath to releasing this memory of past failure due to inability of meeting my and other people's expectations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my past experiences where I had thought of myself as a failure to continue to exist in this current time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to fuel the mind with energy by subconsciously accepting and allowing myself to revert back to past experiences where I feel that I failed to meet my own expectations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to my other classmates who had been ranked within the top 50 as soon as I obtained my results from primary school exams.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel defeated that I could not make my parents proud because of my ranking and career choice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame, embarrassment, and hatred whenever I got my o-level results and realized at the time that I did not meet my own expectations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just submit as opposed to standing up and questioning things whenever they happen.
When and as I see myself thinking back to my past experiences of not being able to meet my own expectations, I pause and I breathe. I realize that this is something that I have created and the fear of failure is what triggered a lot of the consequence that I had obtained. I understand also that having to meet expectations can be unrealistic if one does not set for themselves realistic or practical goals. I also understand my starting point for wanting to do well was simply to fuel my ego where I would feel proud and accomplished that I have achieved the best results and allow this feeling of superiority to build inside of me.
I commit through breath to releasing this memory of past failure due to inability of meeting my and other people's expectations.
Day 26: Fear of falling from a cliff
I just woke up this morning to a memory that I had during high school. In that memory, I was climbing the summit of a mountain. The summit was steep and there were only a few grass to hold onto. There were no ropes and the guys who were there to help were only helping us up to a certain extent. I recall while I was trying to get to the summit, my hand was gripping to the grass and the shoes I was wearing was slippery. I was not able to grip to the earth part of the mountain and therefore a couple of times I slid. As a looked down, I could see myself fearing death as if it wasn't for the grass, I would have fallen and killed myself. With some effort and persistence, I slowly managed to climb up to the summit.
For that past few months, fear of death was something that I have been walking. One of my friends had asked me to investigate the time when I was a little girl and see if there was some sort of incident that had happened that would trigger this event in my current life. I do not recall specifically of any child incidences where I thought I was going to die, except when I was at the beach and I was afraid of going into the water.
But it is interesting how today this memory of fear of falling from a cliff/mountain came to me and I instantly realized that it must have been one of the factors that has lead to this current manifestation. Therefore, it is time to self-forgive and let go of those past memories.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach the element of fear of death to a past event where I had wanted to climb a summit and feared that I would die.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to that memory of fear of death where I now fear that my life will cease if I engage in activities such as mountain climbing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going into water when I was a little girl because I was scared the tides would carry me away.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear heights.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that every time anxiety comes, I will end up getting a stroke or heart attack.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to read through every symptom of my body and start feeling anxious that I may die.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will suffocate whenever I am among a crowd of people and in an enclosed place where there is no fresh air to breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear suffocating in tunnels and enclosed spaces such as elevators with no air conditioning.
When and as I see myself getting anxious and fearing death, I pause and I breathe. I stabilize myself with breath and affirm to myself to let go of any feeling of anxiety that surge via breathing the anxious thoughts out. I tell myself that my body is fully capable of repairing itself and that there is no reason to fear being in an enclosed area where there is stale air.
For that past few months, fear of death was something that I have been walking. One of my friends had asked me to investigate the time when I was a little girl and see if there was some sort of incident that had happened that would trigger this event in my current life. I do not recall specifically of any child incidences where I thought I was going to die, except when I was at the beach and I was afraid of going into the water.
But it is interesting how today this memory of fear of falling from a cliff/mountain came to me and I instantly realized that it must have been one of the factors that has lead to this current manifestation. Therefore, it is time to self-forgive and let go of those past memories.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach the element of fear of death to a past event where I had wanted to climb a summit and feared that I would die.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to that memory of fear of death where I now fear that my life will cease if I engage in activities such as mountain climbing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going into water when I was a little girl because I was scared the tides would carry me away.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear heights.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that every time anxiety comes, I will end up getting a stroke or heart attack.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to read through every symptom of my body and start feeling anxious that I may die.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will suffocate whenever I am among a crowd of people and in an enclosed place where there is no fresh air to breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear suffocating in tunnels and enclosed spaces such as elevators with no air conditioning.
When and as I see myself getting anxious and fearing death, I pause and I breathe. I stabilize myself with breath and affirm to myself to let go of any feeling of anxiety that surge via breathing the anxious thoughts out. I tell myself that my body is fully capable of repairing itself and that there is no reason to fear being in an enclosed area where there is stale air.
Tuesday 5 November 2013
Day 24: Underestimating one's potentials- feeling insecure
This is a continuation of my previous blog thread on Underestimating one's potentials. Today we will focus on the feeling of insecurity. A lot of the content of this blog stems from this site: http://www.wikihow.com/Recognize-Insecurities
Let us first understand the definitions of insecurity based on the dictionary
Let us first understand the definitions of insecurity based on the dictionary
in·se·cure
adjective
So I will in my blog take each of these points and expand on them.
Childhood experiences:
1.subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured: an insecure person.
2.not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious: He was insecure about the examination.
3.not secure; exposed or liable to risk, loss, or danger: an insecure stock portfolio.
4.not firmly or reliably placed or fastened: an insecure ladder.
As I was investigating this, I came across a website called: http://www.wikihow.com/Recognize-Insecurities which provided me with a thorough perspective on the triggers of insecurity and I thought that it would be fruitful to build on what has already been researched.
An insecure person is subject to fears and doubts/uncertainty. The reasons for that are multi-dimensional. As per the above website, insecurity in the psychological sense refers to not feeling sure about
oneself, including not being sure about who they are or what they
believe in. An insecure person is a vulnerable person, easily shaped by
the views, opinions,
and ideas of others because they're uncertain about their own values
and they're unwilling to question the ideas of other people or stand up for themselves.
What causes all of that?
- A person may have had poor formative experiences that have stunted aspects of their personality. They may have had chaotic, violent or distressing childhood, adolescent or early adulthood experiences. They may live in fear of someone, have been subjected to very rigid expectations, or have never been allowed to express their feelings.
- Insecurity can arise as a result of peer pressure or societal expectations. Feeling as if you're not living up to standards set by media images and stories can create an unhealthy lack of self-like that evolves into insecurity.
- Insecurity can occur because of a past experience of failure and through a lack of resilience the insecure person doesn't see the past failure once-off but instead has allowed it to color all future experiences and interactions.
- Lacking a secure emotional basis to both "set down roots and grow wings" creates insecurities: for people who experience domestic abuse, verbal, physical or sexual abuse, emotional game-playing, transient lifestyles, etc., insecurity can manifest as a defense mechanism that seeks to protect their poorly formed or barely nourished sense of self from being entirely obliterated by the domination of others in a position of power over them.
So I will in my blog take each of these points and expand on them.
Childhood experiences:
When I was in kindergarten, all I recall was the bad happenings that happened during that phase. Interesting that I have absolutely no recollection of any positive experiences from those times. I do recall that my kindergarten teachers did not treat me well at all and did all they could to just punish me for no real reason.
I can't even recall being able to express my feelings to them as in standing up for myself. At that age, it was just too confusing. I therefore developed a sense of distrust.
Peer Pressure and societal expectations
When I was in primary school, I was bullied and the peer pressure involved me not doing the best I could because if I beat the bully in terms of academics, then she would tell everyone to not talk to me and therefore I would feel isolated.
I was under a lot of stress to perform well in school and that was an expectation from my family.
Here in Canada, I compare myself to other top models with sexy slim bodies and I feel that I can't live up to their standards
Past experience of failure
I did not live up to my parents expectations when I was 11 and I ranked 74 out of 2000 students. It was expected of me that I would be among the top 50.
When I was 16, I also did not do excellent in my O-levels. I did ok, but it did not meet the high standards that was expected from a girl who attended the top school in my country.
Insecurity as a defense mechanism
My partner made me just realize this point in me. He took a tool and came to me and acted in a way to hit me. All I did was place my hands over my head and turned my face away and close my eyes. That is what an insecure person does. A secure person would stand up and fight with the other person in self-defense. That was just a physical act and I reacted to it with fear. Obviously there must be many aspects of my life where I do the same. I do not stand up for myself. I just submit.
Self Forgiveness:
I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience confusion, distrust, loneliness, unworthiness, lack of self-acceptance towards myself when I was a kid because of the punishment I was getting from a teacher who disliked me for reasons I will never get to understand. I realize that if this situation came into my life at such as young age, then there must be a reason why I manifested it. It could simply be a download from my parents where I was simply playing out the role of being a victim or it could be something that came into my current life due to past life experiences that I had to transcend. I therefore commit through breath to releasing the memory that I have been holding on to since childhood, where I would be left all by myself during lunch time and being told to eat lunch all by myself.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to develop lack of trust in myself because of my acceptance. I realize that by simply not doing anything or saying anything that I have simply fueled my beingness with self sabotage. I realize that I was simply unwilling to question authority which were my kindergarten teachers and that has lead to me following people with a blind eye. An insecure person is someone who is unwilling to question other people's ideas and beliefs and just simply accepts everything they hear. I commit to breaking this pattern by ensuring that the next time I hear something, that I do my due diligence and investigate the point further before making any conclusions.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to not question people's ideas and beliefs and just allow the situation to rule me over, as opposed to trying to investigate it and finding out why I am in the current situation. I commit to breaking this pattern by engaging in practical research.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be bullied and succumb to the needs of the bully, who at the time was the point of authority. I realize that by me giving her the power to bully me that I lost all control I had over myself and therefore molded myself to fit her desires. I did so by not doing the best in school and fearing that if I beat her then she will stop talking to me and steal every friend I have. I realize that at this point, there is no benefit for me to hold onto this past memory because I have been able to get a job and so does she. She no longer is a part of my life and we both don't live close to each other. I commit to releasing this memory of being bullied from me through breath and forgiveness and realize that by holding onto this memory, I am still holding on to the fact that I am blaming her and myself for my experience and outcome and engaging in the mind consciousness system of energy.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to engage in self-sabotage by not living up to the expectation of others such as my parents and society. I realize that by allowing myself to live up to other people's expectations only means that I am enslaved to them as I am not living my life but theirs. I commit to let go of this notion of living other people's lives via meeting expectations and understand that at this stage of my life, there is no more expectations to be met from other people. I have achieved what needed to be achieved in this life to be able to support myself. Therefore, there is no reason as to why I need to live up to other people's standards. I commit to releasing this memory that I am holding on through breath and accept the fact that there are no more expectations to live.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to not live up to my own expectations regarding body image, where I would look at Photoshopped images of models and compare them with my own body and experiencing self-dislike and therefore insecurity. I commit to releasing myself from this energetic charged mindset I have created by comparing their bodies to mine via breath. I understand that we are the product of genetics and by wanting to change the way we look, we are simply indulging in the process of lack of self-acceptance as we want to create an image of ourselves that is simply not practical and sometimes unrealistic.
To be continued..
I can't even recall being able to express my feelings to them as in standing up for myself. At that age, it was just too confusing. I therefore developed a sense of distrust.
Peer Pressure and societal expectations
When I was in primary school, I was bullied and the peer pressure involved me not doing the best I could because if I beat the bully in terms of academics, then she would tell everyone to not talk to me and therefore I would feel isolated.
I was under a lot of stress to perform well in school and that was an expectation from my family.
Here in Canada, I compare myself to other top models with sexy slim bodies and I feel that I can't live up to their standards
Past experience of failure
I did not live up to my parents expectations when I was 11 and I ranked 74 out of 2000 students. It was expected of me that I would be among the top 50.
When I was 16, I also did not do excellent in my O-levels. I did ok, but it did not meet the high standards that was expected from a girl who attended the top school in my country.
Insecurity as a defense mechanism
My partner made me just realize this point in me. He took a tool and came to me and acted in a way to hit me. All I did was place my hands over my head and turned my face away and close my eyes. That is what an insecure person does. A secure person would stand up and fight with the other person in self-defense. That was just a physical act and I reacted to it with fear. Obviously there must be many aspects of my life where I do the same. I do not stand up for myself. I just submit.
Self Forgiveness:
I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience confusion, distrust, loneliness, unworthiness, lack of self-acceptance towards myself when I was a kid because of the punishment I was getting from a teacher who disliked me for reasons I will never get to understand. I realize that if this situation came into my life at such as young age, then there must be a reason why I manifested it. It could simply be a download from my parents where I was simply playing out the role of being a victim or it could be something that came into my current life due to past life experiences that I had to transcend. I therefore commit through breath to releasing the memory that I have been holding on to since childhood, where I would be left all by myself during lunch time and being told to eat lunch all by myself.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to develop lack of trust in myself because of my acceptance. I realize that by simply not doing anything or saying anything that I have simply fueled my beingness with self sabotage. I realize that I was simply unwilling to question authority which were my kindergarten teachers and that has lead to me following people with a blind eye. An insecure person is someone who is unwilling to question other people's ideas and beliefs and just simply accepts everything they hear. I commit to breaking this pattern by ensuring that the next time I hear something, that I do my due diligence and investigate the point further before making any conclusions.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to not question people's ideas and beliefs and just allow the situation to rule me over, as opposed to trying to investigate it and finding out why I am in the current situation. I commit to breaking this pattern by engaging in practical research.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be bullied and succumb to the needs of the bully, who at the time was the point of authority. I realize that by me giving her the power to bully me that I lost all control I had over myself and therefore molded myself to fit her desires. I did so by not doing the best in school and fearing that if I beat her then she will stop talking to me and steal every friend I have. I realize that at this point, there is no benefit for me to hold onto this past memory because I have been able to get a job and so does she. She no longer is a part of my life and we both don't live close to each other. I commit to releasing this memory of being bullied from me through breath and forgiveness and realize that by holding onto this memory, I am still holding on to the fact that I am blaming her and myself for my experience and outcome and engaging in the mind consciousness system of energy.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to engage in self-sabotage by not living up to the expectation of others such as my parents and society. I realize that by allowing myself to live up to other people's expectations only means that I am enslaved to them as I am not living my life but theirs. I commit to let go of this notion of living other people's lives via meeting expectations and understand that at this stage of my life, there is no more expectations to be met from other people. I have achieved what needed to be achieved in this life to be able to support myself. Therefore, there is no reason as to why I need to live up to other people's standards. I commit to releasing this memory that I am holding on through breath and accept the fact that there are no more expectations to live.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to not live up to my own expectations regarding body image, where I would look at Photoshopped images of models and compare them with my own body and experiencing self-dislike and therefore insecurity. I commit to releasing myself from this energetic charged mindset I have created by comparing their bodies to mine via breath. I understand that we are the product of genetics and by wanting to change the way we look, we are simply indulging in the process of lack of self-acceptance as we want to create an image of ourselves that is simply not practical and sometimes unrealistic.
To be continued..
Monday 4 November 2013
day 23: underestimating one's potential- comparison and competition
This is a continuation of my previous blog on underestimating my potentials and today we are investigating point number 2, which is: The person has found someone who does better.
When one compares oneself to someone else, one will have a tendency to only consider what the other person is presenting at the time. One will only look for those traits that one wishes to see so that they can preoccupy their minds and generate feelings of being a loser, worthless, inadequate, hopeless and so on. What one feeds into is called the polarity game as comparison creates a winner and a loser.
When one participates in this game, one is creating in themselves a winner or a loser depending on the outcome and therefore one swings back and forth simultaneously generating energy via emotions and feelings. That is when one underestimates one's potentials because they always see the grass greener on the other side. One ends up developing self-mistrust and consequently lives life without developing themselves or participating in activities that will support them.
One needs to really investigate deeper and realize that this belief that one has seen someone who does better is in fact something that one has created to enslave oneself. Who is one to judge that someone else is better? Plus, what criteria does one use to determine for them that the other person does better? Yes, perhaps that other person scored higher in an exam. One perceives them as being smarter just based on that one sole factor. Let us take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
If I were to look back, there were some people in my class who always got the highest grades. Take a look at them now from a practical mind. Those with high grades became doctors and lawyers. Those with lower grades also chose the same career. Therefore high grades had absolutely nothing to do with profession choice or the financial outcome of my previous classmates.
The two factors which determine the outcome are the notion of being at the right place and at the right time as well as having the money to afford to go to a university of choice. Let me expand on that. I have a cousin who studied the same course as I did. He has not been able to find himself a job in my native country or europe. I happen to live in Canada and I have been lucky to land a job. Therefore, grades have absolutely nothing to do with being able to find a job.
Also when comparing, one tends to only compare one particular aspect. What about other areas of that other person's life? How can one convince oneself that someone else is better than them by only focusing on that one aspect that they are demonstrating? Now this is not to say that one should look at other aspects and begin comparing oneself to them in every possible way. This is just a fact for one to realize that there is more than what meets the eye. I happen to have another cousin who always did poorly in high school because he focused on partying and drinking. Despite not doing so well, he was still able to get admission to medical school. If I were to compare me to him, I could definitely state that he was no more smarter than me academically but yet he will be richer than me now because of his profession.
I can now find myself feeling inferior to him because he will get more money or I can find myself superior to him just based on the academics. The point is, if I were to just take one aspect at a time, I would either feel inferior or superior. When I look at both aspects, there seems to be a neutralization of positive and negative energy. From a practical starting point, it is pointless to compare ourselves with others because we are basing our response on what we want to perceive to make ourselves feel good or bad as opposed to looking at things for what they are in their totality.
What one needs to practically realize at this stage is that we create our consequences. The person who scores high grades for instance is someone who may simply be genetically smarter or may have prepared themselves extensively to create the desired outcome. Rather than comparing oneself to someone else and experiencing feelings of jealousy and so on, what one could ask oneself is: did I give all I could give to get the outcome I have?
And if one is self-honest with oneself, one will either realize that this is all they could do and be content with their result or they will realize that they could have done better. If one could have done better, then one should simply understand that if they want things to change, as in desiring a different outcome, then obviously they will have to make changes in their life to accommodate that. That is when one will have to do some self-investigation and find out exactly what the root cause of the issue is that is deterring them from their desired success and self-correct.
What one also needs to realize is that genes can also be a factor that limits one's potentials. If we were to watch the olympics, it seems that the fastest runners happen to be of african origin. One will have to ask if they happen to have genetic advantages over other races when it comes to physical conditions such as running. That itself alone can teach us that there is no reason for us to compare ourselves with one another because we are all not starting with the same conditions. All of us are genetically unique and if genetics determine how well we perform, then we need to come to the realization that we just need to accept ourselves for who we are.
A practical thing one could do to develop one's potential is to compare self with self in relation to time. Take an aspect of oneself that one wants to develop and look at the performance now and some time in the future and determine for oneself if there has been any improvement. This will eliminate the genetic variable as well as the variable that we are all not starting with the same conditions.
When one compares oneself to someone else, one will have a tendency to only consider what the other person is presenting at the time. One will only look for those traits that one wishes to see so that they can preoccupy their minds and generate feelings of being a loser, worthless, inadequate, hopeless and so on. What one feeds into is called the polarity game as comparison creates a winner and a loser.
When one participates in this game, one is creating in themselves a winner or a loser depending on the outcome and therefore one swings back and forth simultaneously generating energy via emotions and feelings. That is when one underestimates one's potentials because they always see the grass greener on the other side. One ends up developing self-mistrust and consequently lives life without developing themselves or participating in activities that will support them.
One needs to really investigate deeper and realize that this belief that one has seen someone who does better is in fact something that one has created to enslave oneself. Who is one to judge that someone else is better? Plus, what criteria does one use to determine for them that the other person does better? Yes, perhaps that other person scored higher in an exam. One perceives them as being smarter just based on that one sole factor. Let us take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
If I were to look back, there were some people in my class who always got the highest grades. Take a look at them now from a practical mind. Those with high grades became doctors and lawyers. Those with lower grades also chose the same career. Therefore high grades had absolutely nothing to do with profession choice or the financial outcome of my previous classmates.
The two factors which determine the outcome are the notion of being at the right place and at the right time as well as having the money to afford to go to a university of choice. Let me expand on that. I have a cousin who studied the same course as I did. He has not been able to find himself a job in my native country or europe. I happen to live in Canada and I have been lucky to land a job. Therefore, grades have absolutely nothing to do with being able to find a job.
Also when comparing, one tends to only compare one particular aspect. What about other areas of that other person's life? How can one convince oneself that someone else is better than them by only focusing on that one aspect that they are demonstrating? Now this is not to say that one should look at other aspects and begin comparing oneself to them in every possible way. This is just a fact for one to realize that there is more than what meets the eye. I happen to have another cousin who always did poorly in high school because he focused on partying and drinking. Despite not doing so well, he was still able to get admission to medical school. If I were to compare me to him, I could definitely state that he was no more smarter than me academically but yet he will be richer than me now because of his profession.
I can now find myself feeling inferior to him because he will get more money or I can find myself superior to him just based on the academics. The point is, if I were to just take one aspect at a time, I would either feel inferior or superior. When I look at both aspects, there seems to be a neutralization of positive and negative energy. From a practical starting point, it is pointless to compare ourselves with others because we are basing our response on what we want to perceive to make ourselves feel good or bad as opposed to looking at things for what they are in their totality.
What one needs to practically realize at this stage is that we create our consequences. The person who scores high grades for instance is someone who may simply be genetically smarter or may have prepared themselves extensively to create the desired outcome. Rather than comparing oneself to someone else and experiencing feelings of jealousy and so on, what one could ask oneself is: did I give all I could give to get the outcome I have?
And if one is self-honest with oneself, one will either realize that this is all they could do and be content with their result or they will realize that they could have done better. If one could have done better, then one should simply understand that if they want things to change, as in desiring a different outcome, then obviously they will have to make changes in their life to accommodate that. That is when one will have to do some self-investigation and find out exactly what the root cause of the issue is that is deterring them from their desired success and self-correct.
What one also needs to realize is that genes can also be a factor that limits one's potentials. If we were to watch the olympics, it seems that the fastest runners happen to be of african origin. One will have to ask if they happen to have genetic advantages over other races when it comes to physical conditions such as running. That itself alone can teach us that there is no reason for us to compare ourselves with one another because we are all not starting with the same conditions. All of us are genetically unique and if genetics determine how well we perform, then we need to come to the realization that we just need to accept ourselves for who we are.
A practical thing one could do to develop one's potential is to compare self with self in relation to time. Take an aspect of oneself that one wants to develop and look at the performance now and some time in the future and determine for oneself if there has been any improvement. This will eliminate the genetic variable as well as the variable that we are all not starting with the same conditions.
Sunday 3 November 2013
Day 18: I feel betrayed, this is my last life
A point that I am currently facing and having a really tough time coming to grips with is the notion that this is our last life and that there will be no more reincarnation after this. This truth has really struck me hard and I have had a really hard time trying to come to grips with becoming one and equal to this reality.
Part of me feels like I have been betrayed. Betrayed in the sense that I have existed through eons of time cycle after cycle but without any form of understanding of what self-awareness is and how to live the concept of oneness and equality. It is now in this last life that I am realizing all this and now having to come face to face with all the points that I have allowed and accepted throughout existence. And now to be told that this is my only last chance and that I only have this one life to live makes me feel like losing the battle of standing up for life and just admitting defeat. I feel overwhelmed that there is just too many points to transcend in this life and that I will never have time to transcend all of them.
That one point is probably what set off my whole anxiety disorder and allowed me to start having panic attacks. This feeling of being overwhelmed with too many things to do and not having enough time for that is killing. It seems that I have so many fears and I just don't know where to begin. There have been times in the past 2 months where I actually wondered whether I would have been better off not even knowing what I have come to know about through the course. Would ignorance of the law been a better way to end life since at least there would be no fear or feeling of betrayal? How do I embrace or come face to face with physical death knowing that the other side is worse than here and knowing that I only have so much time here left on this earth?
This is where I feel torn, anxious, sad, pitiful, remorseful, betrayed, angry at the bitter truth. Why did we accept and allow all this to happen to us? Why couldn't we figure out since creation that we had fucked up and just created heaven on earth through this information we are currently walking? Why? Why? Why? At this point I can continue to just allow all these feelings to surface and create more fear. But I want to let them go. The reason is because I can't change what I have previously accepted and allowed by incarnating into a physical body and living a scripted life cycle after cycle.
The only thing I can change now is my attitude to this current life. What can I do with the time I have left to appreciate this last life? Can I just let go of the past life remorse and focus on the present, as in what I can do to stand up for life and do what is best for all? For that I need to accept what the truth is. I am sad that I will no longer be able to incarnate here and have this wonderful experience called physical life. But then, that is just a mind reaction that is simply deterring me from being here in the present.
There have been a few realizations though that I have come to grips with with all what has happened.
I will continue with this point of betrayal later on...
Part of me feels like I have been betrayed. Betrayed in the sense that I have existed through eons of time cycle after cycle but without any form of understanding of what self-awareness is and how to live the concept of oneness and equality. It is now in this last life that I am realizing all this and now having to come face to face with all the points that I have allowed and accepted throughout existence. And now to be told that this is my only last chance and that I only have this one life to live makes me feel like losing the battle of standing up for life and just admitting defeat. I feel overwhelmed that there is just too many points to transcend in this life and that I will never have time to transcend all of them.
That one point is probably what set off my whole anxiety disorder and allowed me to start having panic attacks. This feeling of being overwhelmed with too many things to do and not having enough time for that is killing. It seems that I have so many fears and I just don't know where to begin. There have been times in the past 2 months where I actually wondered whether I would have been better off not even knowing what I have come to know about through the course. Would ignorance of the law been a better way to end life since at least there would be no fear or feeling of betrayal? How do I embrace or come face to face with physical death knowing that the other side is worse than here and knowing that I only have so much time here left on this earth?
This is where I feel torn, anxious, sad, pitiful, remorseful, betrayed, angry at the bitter truth. Why did we accept and allow all this to happen to us? Why couldn't we figure out since creation that we had fucked up and just created heaven on earth through this information we are currently walking? Why? Why? Why? At this point I can continue to just allow all these feelings to surface and create more fear. But I want to let them go. The reason is because I can't change what I have previously accepted and allowed by incarnating into a physical body and living a scripted life cycle after cycle.
The only thing I can change now is my attitude to this current life. What can I do with the time I have left to appreciate this last life? Can I just let go of the past life remorse and focus on the present, as in what I can do to stand up for life and do what is best for all? For that I need to accept what the truth is. I am sad that I will no longer be able to incarnate here and have this wonderful experience called physical life. But then, that is just a mind reaction that is simply deterring me from being here in the present.
There have been a few realizations though that I have come to grips with with all what has happened.
- I have come to really appreciate my body during the past 2 months in that the body has immense potential to heal itself.
- I have come to really understand the power the mind has over the body in that it can trigger disease and can lead to self-destruction.
- I have also come to value what humans have created with regards to healing, where there are treatments available to assist and support the physical body, though we know that eventually we will all die.
- I have come to realize that the mind does a great job at reading in between the lines and those who I thought did not care for me are in real life caring.
- I have come to appreciate how short life can be and how unpredictable it is.
- I have realized that we have fucked up our own existence so badly that it is fascinating how messed up we all are.
- I have come to appreciate my parents for their support and also at the same time, I have come to the realization that I have accepted and allowed myself to just live my parents life since birth.
- I have realized that even though I feel I am not supported, I have in fact been supported by those who care for me, such as friends and coworkers.
- I have realized that the company I work for is definitely a company which supports its employees.
- I have realized that the workplace is not that bad after all if we understand that we can't be friends with everyone, and that people are there to enable us to face whatever we are accepting and allowing.
- I realized that even if I have had no faith in my manager, when it came to supporting my medical leave, she did what she had to do.
- I have come to appreciate that health is wealth. If I had a lot of money but no health, there would be no way where I could enjoy that wealth. I have realized how messed up we have become by not truly accepting and appreciating our bodies, but instead seeking some form of outer separation.Our physical bodies are our greatest asset
- I have come to realize that one can't rush a disease. It will take time for a body to heal itself and bring itself back to homeostasis. One just needs to allow the body to rest and not pressure the body into healing faster through thoughts and feelings and emotions.
- I have come to understand that I am facing one major point which I have accepted and allowed, which is the fear and anxiety.
- I have come to realize that even if I enjoy my job, it is not something that I am passionate about, but just something I am doing as a means of survival.
- I have come to realize that the work environment has been toxic for me in the sense that I often have to work with people who don't always have the best work ethic or do not show signs of compassion as in treating others the way they want to be treated. And from a practical perspective, I can either choose to ignore the beings and continue to just work, or take a step to switch job lines where I would work with other people.
- I have come to appreciate being taken care of, which has allowed me to be a receiver. I have always had a hard time receiving but this condition has allowed me to appreciate what gifts others bring.
- I have come to appreciate that my husband has supported me during certain times, though he was not there with me all the time.
- I have come to realize that not all people in this world are cold hearted, and that some people do genuinely care for you when you are sick. I have come to realize that we need a support group because living all by ourselves like a hermit is nothing more that just a form of separation. At the same time I have come to realize that no one can save us when we are sick but ourselves, through our thoughts.
- I have come to realize that the province where I live contains people who don't believe in the concept of living together as a group, where there is unity and if someone needs help that there is the support. People in this province tend to only live for themselves and everyone who immigrates to this province comes to the realization that this is not a place where friendships can develop. Everyone is here to just focus on who they are as opposed to realizing we are all equal and let's get to know one another to develop relationships.
- I have come to realize that this script I have been playing all my life about being a savior to everyone is what has backfired. The truth is no one can be saved by someone else. Only we can save ourselves through taking corrective applications and understanding how the mind works. Even our gurus and mentors can't save us as life is short.
I will continue with this point of betrayal later on...
Day 22: From underestimating to developing one's potentials
This is a continuation to my previous blog. Today we are focusing on the first point which is: Underestimating yourself gives you a kind of excuse to all the
things you've done in life that you felt you could have done better.
The concept of using the energy charge created by underestimating one's potential, where one will experience some amount of friction based on failing to meet their standards, is almost a deterrent from one seeing this as an opportunity to take 100% responsibility for what one is accepting and allowing and engaging in self corrective applications. If one were to look back in time, one would almost wish that they would have done all they could to get better results. But now, it is too late to change anything and therefore the new energetic frictions created out of this are helplessness and hopelessness. Some may experience blame and anger towards the source or themselves.
I find that in my case, there is self-hatred and self-anger for not being able to meet my own expectations and goals that I had set. I still feel that I could have done or should have done better. And this feeling is what is triggering this sense of restlessness, where I almost become fidgety in the mind and create more energy by holding on to this feeling. What is interesting to note is that the whole expression of feeling I could have done better is not beneficial to me in actual time.
I, for instance already possess a career and therefore I have completed what I needed to get completed to stabilize myself financially in the system. Sure, it would be nice to have more money. Yet I am in a situation where I can at least support myself. Therefore, it is pointless for me to wish that I had done better in the past and seeing myself as a failure. What matters is that I am living the end result of what was needed to be done to place myself in the situation I am today.
It is fascinating how our minds just want to hold on to past memories and experiences to attempt to keep us prisoners and enslaved. The self-corrective application to walk is to not allow us to become victims by using the energy created from underestimating our potentials to cause self-sabotage. Rather, it is for us to notice whenever we underestimate our potentials that this is just a mind backchat that is designed to prevent us from moving forward and developing our potentials.
When and as I see myself wishing that I had done better in the past, I pause and I breathe. I forgive myself for allowing myself to continue to hold on to the though that I feel that I should and could have done better in my life and experiencing as a result negative charges connected to the feeling of being a loser. I understand that there is no point giving up the battle before it has already begun because whatever the mind conceives and brings itself to believe, it can achieve. This translates to if I believe that I am not capable of doing something, then I will manifest the outcome of not seeing the result I want to see and continue to feed the loop that I am a loser. I commit to looking for practical solutions to ensure that I am developing my potentials. This may include taking lessons from a knowledgeable person or simply investigating other relevant solutions.
The concept of using the energy charge created by underestimating one's potential, where one will experience some amount of friction based on failing to meet their standards, is almost a deterrent from one seeing this as an opportunity to take 100% responsibility for what one is accepting and allowing and engaging in self corrective applications. If one were to look back in time, one would almost wish that they would have done all they could to get better results. But now, it is too late to change anything and therefore the new energetic frictions created out of this are helplessness and hopelessness. Some may experience blame and anger towards the source or themselves.
I find that in my case, there is self-hatred and self-anger for not being able to meet my own expectations and goals that I had set. I still feel that I could have done or should have done better. And this feeling is what is triggering this sense of restlessness, where I almost become fidgety in the mind and create more energy by holding on to this feeling. What is interesting to note is that the whole expression of feeling I could have done better is not beneficial to me in actual time.
I, for instance already possess a career and therefore I have completed what I needed to get completed to stabilize myself financially in the system. Sure, it would be nice to have more money. Yet I am in a situation where I can at least support myself. Therefore, it is pointless for me to wish that I had done better in the past and seeing myself as a failure. What matters is that I am living the end result of what was needed to be done to place myself in the situation I am today.
It is fascinating how our minds just want to hold on to past memories and experiences to attempt to keep us prisoners and enslaved. The self-corrective application to walk is to not allow us to become victims by using the energy created from underestimating our potentials to cause self-sabotage. Rather, it is for us to notice whenever we underestimate our potentials that this is just a mind backchat that is designed to prevent us from moving forward and developing our potentials.
When and as I see myself wishing that I had done better in the past, I pause and I breathe. I forgive myself for allowing myself to continue to hold on to the though that I feel that I should and could have done better in my life and experiencing as a result negative charges connected to the feeling of being a loser. I understand that there is no point giving up the battle before it has already begun because whatever the mind conceives and brings itself to believe, it can achieve. This translates to if I believe that I am not capable of doing something, then I will manifest the outcome of not seeing the result I want to see and continue to feed the loop that I am a loser. I commit to looking for practical solutions to ensure that I am developing my potentials. This may include taking lessons from a knowledgeable person or simply investigating other relevant solutions.
Saturday 2 November 2013
Day 21: Underestimating my potentials
Underestimating one's potentials has always been a big playout for me. I have constantly been told that I lack confidence in myself, which is pretty much lack of self-trust. Lack of self trust involves also lack of self-acceptance, as in being one and equal to the situation. For instance, during high school, I always feared tests and exams because I never felt I was well prepared. I did study and memorize school notes. I never really did as well as I wanted to do. I would always have my mind wander off and prevent me from focusing at school. The same happened at university.
The question I ask myself is: why did I or do I underestimate myself so much? Why do I lack self trust or confidence? I tried to google that question and I read several interesting answers:
As I read over all these great perspectives, I try to place myself in each answer.
Could I have done better?
The feeling of I could have done better is definitely something that I feel because I saw myself as a smart, intelligent person who is capable of achieving success. Therefore I had expectations of myself which I failed to meet. Each time I got my marks back in my tests, I would experience sadness and the feeling that I failed surged in me. I aimed for above 80% and when I failed to meet that, I just hated myself. I always ended up getting average marks which I thought of as inadequate as I compared myself to the bright kids who were getting 80's and above and felt really inferior to them.
Who did I compare myself to?
This comparison lead me to feel insecure. I would be compared to my cousins and other friends and when I compared myself to other people I just felt like a loser. I also started as time went by to lose faith and trust in myself. Achieving great grades seemed to me like something I just dreamed and wished for as opposed to something that I could achieve.
Was I encouraged to prove my capabilities as a kid and develop skills and talents?
As far as I recall, my parents always wanted me to do my best. In primary school, I excelled and did really well. My parents were encouraging. In kindergarten, it was a totally different story. All I remember was being punished for no reason and I can't recall anything with regards to developing skills. But common sense alone tells me that if I was encouraged to develop skills, I would have been able to vividly recollect that. That ties into the notion of being looked down upon by my kindergarten teachers.
Do I know myself?
That is a great question. The answer that I get right away is a big fat NO. That is quite interesting. If I really knew who I am and trust that I am a smart person, then why would I fear exams? It almost seems that it is the fear of exams and results that caused the consequence of being an average student. The starting point of sitting for an exam was: I hope this will be easy and experiencing anxiety before the exam. Once the exam was over, I would ruminate and try to think of what I did wrong and focus on the fact that I lost all these marks. Obviously, the more I feared the exam the more I manifested the consequence which is lower grades.
Have I been looked down? What caused this lack of skills/talent/self-confidence?
I recall that prior to being 10, I did well and I felt very confident as a person. When I was 10 and 11, I had a classmate who bullied me and that really lowered my self- esteem. She wanted to be number 1 and because I feared her, I purposely did not want to be number 1 so that she would not bully me. That was when my lack of confidence in myself really began. I feared the bully and I became a victim. I was sad and miserable. I was still among the best but I was no more number 1. I was number 2 or 3 or 4.
The situation got worse in high school when I was placed with the brightest kids in the country. That was when things got really competitive. There was no more bully, thank god. Yet, there was intense competition and I found that school just got harder and harder. Life was just about homework, passing tests and trying to get a scholarship. At the time I felt that I did not fit in at all with the amount of competition that existed.
What did I fear?
I feared competition.
I also feared the reaction from my dad when I would bring home my report card.
I feared failing and I knew people looked at me as a bright person.
I feared not living up to people's expectations, especially parents.
I also feared not being part of the elite students who got top grades as they got a lot of attention from teachers.
I feared not getting entry into med school as this was the career I wanted to pursue at the time.
Have I tried?
The thing that I never understood is that I made sure that I studied all the time. In my viewpoint, I did what I should have done to pass exams but in terms of getting the highest grades, I had no idea what else to do on top of what I had already done to get myself up there. That is what confused me. I desperately wanted to have top grades, but when it came to achieving that I had no idea why I was not performing well. In my opinion, I was smart and I felt I could have done better. Yet, how to get there was a complete mystery. While studying, I simply memorized things as opposed to understanding concepts. I guess I never developed something called logic, which is something that comes with questioning things. But when I look back, I guess where we failed as a whole was the way our school system is set up and that does not promote natural learning ability. We memorize things just for the sake of passing tests without never understanding what we learn. If I could turn back time, I would have hired a private one on one tutor who would always quiz me as opposed to taking group lessons or simply done techno tutor. Also, I was really distracted and found it hard to focus.
Do I have a crude idea of my potentials?
When it comes to having a crude idea of my potentials, what comes into my mind is that if I had a better way of studying or processing information, I could have done much better. I know that I do have the potential but I did not take 100% responsibility in finding ways in which I could process information. I just followed the system. I also did not focus well in high school and allowed my mind to wander off. I never asked questions because I was too shy. What I should have done is made sure that I understood all the material before the teacher ended class. Then, as I investigate this further, attention deficit disorder is something that has probably played a huge role in my life.
Did I believe other people's words of encouragement?
At some point my parents really encouraged me and I felt good about it. However, it seems that at the time people were being encouraging, I was appreciating it. In terms of believing it, I guess if I did, I would have done all I could to bring myself up academically.
I shall continue on this in the next blog....
The question I ask myself is: why did I or do I underestimate myself so much? Why do I lack self trust or confidence? I tried to google that question and I read several interesting answers:
- Underestimating yourself gives you a kind of excuse to all the things you've done in life that you felt you could have done better, therefore evading self responsibility
- They found someone who is better and therefore engaged in the polarity construct of comparison
- They feel insecure. This also depends on the experiences they have been through(especially in their childhood) For instance, if they were never encouraged to prove their capabilities and explore them.
- Lack of skills and talent
- Lack of self confidence in what they are doing......sometimes it's because they have been looked down upon so often.
- They don't know themselves very well. they have a crude idea of their potentials and their limitations, which is why they underestimate their capabilities...
- They are humble in front of others
- They fear doing something
- They have never tried
- They do not believe other peoples words of encouragement
- They don't know they can.
As I read over all these great perspectives, I try to place myself in each answer.
Could I have done better?
The feeling of I could have done better is definitely something that I feel because I saw myself as a smart, intelligent person who is capable of achieving success. Therefore I had expectations of myself which I failed to meet. Each time I got my marks back in my tests, I would experience sadness and the feeling that I failed surged in me. I aimed for above 80% and when I failed to meet that, I just hated myself. I always ended up getting average marks which I thought of as inadequate as I compared myself to the bright kids who were getting 80's and above and felt really inferior to them.
Who did I compare myself to?
This comparison lead me to feel insecure. I would be compared to my cousins and other friends and when I compared myself to other people I just felt like a loser. I also started as time went by to lose faith and trust in myself. Achieving great grades seemed to me like something I just dreamed and wished for as opposed to something that I could achieve.
Was I encouraged to prove my capabilities as a kid and develop skills and talents?
As far as I recall, my parents always wanted me to do my best. In primary school, I excelled and did really well. My parents were encouraging. In kindergarten, it was a totally different story. All I remember was being punished for no reason and I can't recall anything with regards to developing skills. But common sense alone tells me that if I was encouraged to develop skills, I would have been able to vividly recollect that. That ties into the notion of being looked down upon by my kindergarten teachers.
Do I know myself?
That is a great question. The answer that I get right away is a big fat NO. That is quite interesting. If I really knew who I am and trust that I am a smart person, then why would I fear exams? It almost seems that it is the fear of exams and results that caused the consequence of being an average student. The starting point of sitting for an exam was: I hope this will be easy and experiencing anxiety before the exam. Once the exam was over, I would ruminate and try to think of what I did wrong and focus on the fact that I lost all these marks. Obviously, the more I feared the exam the more I manifested the consequence which is lower grades.
Have I been looked down? What caused this lack of skills/talent/self-confidence?
I recall that prior to being 10, I did well and I felt very confident as a person. When I was 10 and 11, I had a classmate who bullied me and that really lowered my self- esteem. She wanted to be number 1 and because I feared her, I purposely did not want to be number 1 so that she would not bully me. That was when my lack of confidence in myself really began. I feared the bully and I became a victim. I was sad and miserable. I was still among the best but I was no more number 1. I was number 2 or 3 or 4.
The situation got worse in high school when I was placed with the brightest kids in the country. That was when things got really competitive. There was no more bully, thank god. Yet, there was intense competition and I found that school just got harder and harder. Life was just about homework, passing tests and trying to get a scholarship. At the time I felt that I did not fit in at all with the amount of competition that existed.
What did I fear?
I feared competition.
I also feared the reaction from my dad when I would bring home my report card.
I feared failing and I knew people looked at me as a bright person.
I feared not living up to people's expectations, especially parents.
I also feared not being part of the elite students who got top grades as they got a lot of attention from teachers.
I feared not getting entry into med school as this was the career I wanted to pursue at the time.
Have I tried?
The thing that I never understood is that I made sure that I studied all the time. In my viewpoint, I did what I should have done to pass exams but in terms of getting the highest grades, I had no idea what else to do on top of what I had already done to get myself up there. That is what confused me. I desperately wanted to have top grades, but when it came to achieving that I had no idea why I was not performing well. In my opinion, I was smart and I felt I could have done better. Yet, how to get there was a complete mystery. While studying, I simply memorized things as opposed to understanding concepts. I guess I never developed something called logic, which is something that comes with questioning things. But when I look back, I guess where we failed as a whole was the way our school system is set up and that does not promote natural learning ability. We memorize things just for the sake of passing tests without never understanding what we learn. If I could turn back time, I would have hired a private one on one tutor who would always quiz me as opposed to taking group lessons or simply done techno tutor. Also, I was really distracted and found it hard to focus.
Do I have a crude idea of my potentials?
When it comes to having a crude idea of my potentials, what comes into my mind is that if I had a better way of studying or processing information, I could have done much better. I know that I do have the potential but I did not take 100% responsibility in finding ways in which I could process information. I just followed the system. I also did not focus well in high school and allowed my mind to wander off. I never asked questions because I was too shy. What I should have done is made sure that I understood all the material before the teacher ended class. Then, as I investigate this further, attention deficit disorder is something that has probably played a huge role in my life.
Did I believe other people's words of encouragement?
At some point my parents really encouraged me and I felt good about it. However, it seems that at the time people were being encouraging, I was appreciating it. In terms of believing it, I guess if I did, I would have done all I could to bring myself up academically.
I shall continue on this in the next blog....
Friday 1 November 2013
Day 20: Taking the whole world's problems on my shoulders- My mum
This is a continuation to the last blog on the savior. One dimension involved in the savior construct is worrying. Worrying is something that I have always consistently throughout my life engaged in and it has constantly been brought up to my attention. Therefore I will attempt to look at things practically in my blogs to transform worry into something more practical and easier to live by.
My longest cause of worry is not being able to provide my mum will all what she wants. I have always had a close relationship with my mum and since I was born, the only thing that I saw from her is sadness and not being able to lead a fulfilling life. When she married my dad, she noticed that personality differences where there. My dad was more of the safe approach and not a risk taker. My mum on the other side was someone who would like to take risks and if she didn't persevere, they would have never built a house. My mum also felt that her in laws failed to treat her well and she and my grandma never did see eye to eye. My mum always blamed my dad for not persevering as in networking with others or joining organizations so that he can climb the ladder of success. She watched how her brothers and sisters drove BMWs while she shared a toyota with my dad and always felt somehow inferior to them. She also felt like that when her nephews and nieces became doctors. My mum has always compared herself to her siblings and wanted her kids to be as successful. But her idea of success is that we should become doctors and her starting point was more of a status symbol or revenge.
A few of the phrases I reacted to include:
1. I am getting old and I can't handle going to work anymore. I am forcing myself.
2. I am 60 but I feel like I am 80. My body is just done.
3. You need to be ashamed of yourself and pray that someday your daughter will not end up like you
The common denominator in all these sentences is that I have no control over what my mum thinks and how she handles her life and therefore I start the worry process.
What are some practical realizations regarding this?
First, what my mum is reacting to is the creation of a system which does not support life, especially as one gets older. In an equal money system, this would have been prevented because a person who deems that they can't physically or emotionally cope with the demands of the job will be allowed to leave the job and still be supported. Thus, at this point there is nothing I can do about that because money is the reason for mum having to go to work. Then, what is it about this situation that I fear? I fear that mum will just continue to remain a slave and that makes me feel bad because I love my mum and can't see her go through that much pain. I also fear that she will die soon and that is something I just do not want to experience. The same applies to the second point.
According to my mum, comparing me with someone else was a way for her to teach me to be like the other person. She obviously came from a point of wanting me to be better and she chose to compare as a means to get her point across, not realizing at the time that comparison was just a means to encourage a lower self esteem in me. Yet, by me reacting to that sentence, that obviously shows that there are underlying dimensions to investigate. I can't stand being compared to because it seems that I already admit defeat as I have shown a pattern of underestimating my potentials- self sabotage.
SF: I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that my mum will die faster because she is consuming herself with work and that is not healthy for her physical body. I see, realize and understand that worry is not going to help me in this situation. What I commit to doing is making sure that I get out of the worry mode in order to direct myself and the situation as I realize that when one is in the worry state, one can't come up with relevant practical solutions. The truth is that my mum will die at some point and worrying about her dying soon will not serve of any value. At this point, all I can commit to doing is to help her by ensuring that she has the necessary items to support her physical body.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to react to the sentence that my mum said regarding the fact that I need to pray that my daughter will not end up like me. I realize that what my mum was teaching me at the time was to develop my potentials as she noticed that I was not doing so. Her starting point was not to belittle me but rather make me see that I was not meeting expectations that other people of my age were. I therefore allow myself to let go of that sentence that she had uttered where I had reacted and taken it personally because I felt inferior.
My longest cause of worry is not being able to provide my mum will all what she wants. I have always had a close relationship with my mum and since I was born, the only thing that I saw from her is sadness and not being able to lead a fulfilling life. When she married my dad, she noticed that personality differences where there. My dad was more of the safe approach and not a risk taker. My mum on the other side was someone who would like to take risks and if she didn't persevere, they would have never built a house. My mum also felt that her in laws failed to treat her well and she and my grandma never did see eye to eye. My mum always blamed my dad for not persevering as in networking with others or joining organizations so that he can climb the ladder of success. She watched how her brothers and sisters drove BMWs while she shared a toyota with my dad and always felt somehow inferior to them. She also felt like that when her nephews and nieces became doctors. My mum has always compared herself to her siblings and wanted her kids to be as successful. But her idea of success is that we should become doctors and her starting point was more of a status symbol or revenge.
A few of the phrases I reacted to include:
1. I am getting old and I can't handle going to work anymore. I am forcing myself.
2. I am 60 but I feel like I am 80. My body is just done.
3. You need to be ashamed of yourself and pray that someday your daughter will not end up like you
The common denominator in all these sentences is that I have no control over what my mum thinks and how she handles her life and therefore I start the worry process.
What are some practical realizations regarding this?
First, what my mum is reacting to is the creation of a system which does not support life, especially as one gets older. In an equal money system, this would have been prevented because a person who deems that they can't physically or emotionally cope with the demands of the job will be allowed to leave the job and still be supported. Thus, at this point there is nothing I can do about that because money is the reason for mum having to go to work. Then, what is it about this situation that I fear? I fear that mum will just continue to remain a slave and that makes me feel bad because I love my mum and can't see her go through that much pain. I also fear that she will die soon and that is something I just do not want to experience. The same applies to the second point.
According to my mum, comparing me with someone else was a way for her to teach me to be like the other person. She obviously came from a point of wanting me to be better and she chose to compare as a means to get her point across, not realizing at the time that comparison was just a means to encourage a lower self esteem in me. Yet, by me reacting to that sentence, that obviously shows that there are underlying dimensions to investigate. I can't stand being compared to because it seems that I already admit defeat as I have shown a pattern of underestimating my potentials- self sabotage.
SF: I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that my mum will die faster because she is consuming herself with work and that is not healthy for her physical body. I see, realize and understand that worry is not going to help me in this situation. What I commit to doing is making sure that I get out of the worry mode in order to direct myself and the situation as I realize that when one is in the worry state, one can't come up with relevant practical solutions. The truth is that my mum will die at some point and worrying about her dying soon will not serve of any value. At this point, all I can commit to doing is to help her by ensuring that she has the necessary items to support her physical body.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to react to the sentence that my mum said regarding the fact that I need to pray that my daughter will not end up like me. I realize that what my mum was teaching me at the time was to develop my potentials as she noticed that I was not doing so. Her starting point was not to belittle me but rather make me see that I was not meeting expectations that other people of my age were. I therefore allow myself to let go of that sentence that she had uttered where I had reacted and taken it personally because I felt inferior.
Wednesday 30 October 2013
Day 19: the saviour
I have constantly throughout my life have tried at many attempts to take the role of the saviour, where if something went wrong or if someone I deeply cared about needed help, I would try to do all I could to help out. This construct had also lead to me taking everyone's problem upon my shoulders and constantly worrying about them all the time.
In my life, there are a few instances where I see that I automatically give into the temptation of just wanting to help. As an elder sister, I find that with my brother whenever he needs to have something done for him, such as getting his loans and tuition fees paid, I immediately stepped to the rescue because initially I did not want him to have any more debts. Therefore I spent a few thousand dollars on helping him out without considering how that decision affects other parts of my life.
Another person who I always try to save is my own mother. Whenever she tells me something where she feels unhealthy or sad, I instantly internalize that and consequently if there is no solution to it, end up feeling overwhelmed and insecure. That also made me go out and do stuffs to attempt to fix the situation so that she would feel better, but in the end, I have come to realize that no matter what I have done or do, it does not fix the root cause of the problem. It is simply putting a plaster on a wound.
My dad also tells me how living paycheque by paycheque affects his future, as he does not know what will happen when he retires with regards to the house. I suggested that I take over the mortgage payments but he refused it because he wanted me and my husband to start from scratch. I felt a bit betrayed by that, but I understood that he wants to help my brother out as well.
Taking the whole world's problem on my shoulders has been something that I have almost been born with. It is high time that I allow myself to let go of this construct that has done a fabulous job at imprisoning me and preventing me to live.
In my life, there are a few instances where I see that I automatically give into the temptation of just wanting to help. As an elder sister, I find that with my brother whenever he needs to have something done for him, such as getting his loans and tuition fees paid, I immediately stepped to the rescue because initially I did not want him to have any more debts. Therefore I spent a few thousand dollars on helping him out without considering how that decision affects other parts of my life.
Another person who I always try to save is my own mother. Whenever she tells me something where she feels unhealthy or sad, I instantly internalize that and consequently if there is no solution to it, end up feeling overwhelmed and insecure. That also made me go out and do stuffs to attempt to fix the situation so that she would feel better, but in the end, I have come to realize that no matter what I have done or do, it does not fix the root cause of the problem. It is simply putting a plaster on a wound.
My dad also tells me how living paycheque by paycheque affects his future, as he does not know what will happen when he retires with regards to the house. I suggested that I take over the mortgage payments but he refused it because he wanted me and my husband to start from scratch. I felt a bit betrayed by that, but I understood that he wants to help my brother out as well.
Taking the whole world's problem on my shoulders has been something that I have almost been born with. It is high time that I allow myself to let go of this construct that has done a fabulous job at imprisoning me and preventing me to live.
Monday 28 October 2013
Day 17: SF on Meditation
I forgive myself for allowing myself to consider meditation as a form of stopping my thoughts, without proper investigation.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to see meditation as a form of betterment, where one will attain the highest levels in the afterlife such that they will be closest to God.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to not observe my breath whenever my thoughts start coming.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to allow my thoughts to direct me and create more fear and anxiety in me.
I realize that meditation has simply become an act to prevent us from directing ourselves in this physical universe as it almost seems as a form of escapism, where one would purposely try to take a break from this world by engaging in meditation to avoid taking responsibility for what one has created. I commit to standing here in breath, to stabilize self in any event where self faces instability and redirecting self via looking at the situation from a practical perspective and taking responsibility for what self is currently accepting and allowing.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to see meditation as a form of betterment, where one will attain the highest levels in the afterlife such that they will be closest to God.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to not observe my breath whenever my thoughts start coming.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to allow my thoughts to direct me and create more fear and anxiety in me.
I realize that meditation has simply become an act to prevent us from directing ourselves in this physical universe as it almost seems as a form of escapism, where one would purposely try to take a break from this world by engaging in meditation to avoid taking responsibility for what one has created. I commit to standing here in breath, to stabilize self in any event where self faces instability and redirecting self via looking at the situation from a practical perspective and taking responsibility for what self is currently accepting and allowing.
Day 16: Anxiety and meditation
When we look at treatments for anxiety and depression, it is fascinating how a lot of people instantly conclude that meditation will help calm or remove the anxiety. Therefore, I decided to investigate this further.
I have just finished listening to this video
http://www.tudou.com/programs/view/iTxtnPKB7GU/ on the construct of meditation. Since birth, I have been taught that meditation is simply an attempt to stop our thoughts. Yet, after listening to this video, I came to the realization that meditation is simply an act of temporarily trying to stop the mind because it has become overactive. That is fascinating. Throughout history, people have used meditation as a form of ascension as in an attempt to try to meditate so that they can reach the highest level of spiritual attainment or simply reincarnate into what they desire to reincarnate as (as per the vedas/mahabharata).
2 months ago, when my anxiety disorder came into manifestation, I was told to begin meditation. In the past I had tried to do so but had failed miserably because every time I would attempt to suppress my thoughts, it would just keep on coming and consequently, I felt I was a failure. Currently, I am trying to walk this point as in determining what really would be effective when it comes to getting over anxiety. I am really glad for the support we have through the Desteni I process when it comes to searching for answers. It seems that a lot of what is being told and practiced in this world are just completely the reverse of what should really be implemented, meditation being one of them.
However, there is a worldwide awakening or enlightenment currently going on around the globe and meditation has now found its way to the western world where celebrities are preaching or practicing it. The question is: who is making all the money? And if we investigate further, the yoga and meditation business is one of the fastest growing industries in north america. I myself was really stunned when I came to North America 14 years ago and westerners were preaching to me about meditation. That is something that I thought only existed in eastern societies. What really surprised me was the amount of people going into it. People are also very eager to inform you that meditation does work when it comes to healing depression, without really considering what the starting point of meditation really is. Meditation is simply an act of trying to be out of this world for an instance and if one continuously does it, they are simply attempting to create a life where they are not participating in the physical. They are simply participating in their minds because they are not directing themselves to provide a solution which is best for all by being here in physical expression on this planet.
So the question to ponder upon is what really works? And the answer to that is simply to watch the breath. Some people choose to do a 4 s count each time they inhale, hold and exhale. Yet, simply focusing on breath is what will develop self-awareness.Also the reason why meditation was created in the first place is because of an overactive mind which creates diseases such as anxiety and depression and therefore now we have to create something to alleviate those conditions. Watching one's breath throughout the day will allow us to develop a sense of slowing the mind which will also entail us to be in the moment.
I have just finished listening to this video
http://www.tudou.com/programs/view/iTxtnPKB7GU/ on the construct of meditation. Since birth, I have been taught that meditation is simply an attempt to stop our thoughts. Yet, after listening to this video, I came to the realization that meditation is simply an act of temporarily trying to stop the mind because it has become overactive. That is fascinating. Throughout history, people have used meditation as a form of ascension as in an attempt to try to meditate so that they can reach the highest level of spiritual attainment or simply reincarnate into what they desire to reincarnate as (as per the vedas/mahabharata).
2 months ago, when my anxiety disorder came into manifestation, I was told to begin meditation. In the past I had tried to do so but had failed miserably because every time I would attempt to suppress my thoughts, it would just keep on coming and consequently, I felt I was a failure. Currently, I am trying to walk this point as in determining what really would be effective when it comes to getting over anxiety. I am really glad for the support we have through the Desteni I process when it comes to searching for answers. It seems that a lot of what is being told and practiced in this world are just completely the reverse of what should really be implemented, meditation being one of them.
However, there is a worldwide awakening or enlightenment currently going on around the globe and meditation has now found its way to the western world where celebrities are preaching or practicing it. The question is: who is making all the money? And if we investigate further, the yoga and meditation business is one of the fastest growing industries in north america. I myself was really stunned when I came to North America 14 years ago and westerners were preaching to me about meditation. That is something that I thought only existed in eastern societies. What really surprised me was the amount of people going into it. People are also very eager to inform you that meditation does work when it comes to healing depression, without really considering what the starting point of meditation really is. Meditation is simply an act of trying to be out of this world for an instance and if one continuously does it, they are simply attempting to create a life where they are not participating in the physical. They are simply participating in their minds because they are not directing themselves to provide a solution which is best for all by being here in physical expression on this planet.
So the question to ponder upon is what really works? And the answer to that is simply to watch the breath. Some people choose to do a 4 s count each time they inhale, hold and exhale. Yet, simply focusing on breath is what will develop self-awareness.Also the reason why meditation was created in the first place is because of an overactive mind which creates diseases such as anxiety and depression and therefore now we have to create something to alleviate those conditions. Watching one's breath throughout the day will allow us to develop a sense of slowing the mind which will also entail us to be in the moment.
Thursday 24 October 2013
Day 15:SF on friends
This is a continuation from last night's blog where I was talking about friends. So I recall when being little the one proverb which stated: A friend in need is a friend indeed. Throughout my life I have pretty much filtered people out based on this proverb where whenever I came in contact with someone I would subconsciously see where they fit in this picture and see if I have a chance to develop the friendship or just not bother with it.
With that, I realize that I only made friends who simply justified my personality and gave me the recognition that I seek. What is also interesting is that when a so called friend comes into my life and she exhibits most of the characteristics of the proverb but not all of it, then she is almost seen as a threat or someone who may not fit the description of what a friend is supposed to be. That is when the mind goes into so much backchat where we end up questioning why the person behaves the way they behave and why can't they all just not be like us?
When I look deeper at this point I find that it manifests in all my relationships and therefore I will do self forgiveness on all of that. There are 4 people I interact with who almost but not entirely fit this friends in deed criteria and every time I think about them, my mind is always analyzing where they fit and what is lacking.
1. K- problem: she does not express love or send love signals in reality, but she definitely does so in virtual reality. I can't trust that she will go out of her way to do something for me because there is not that trust establishment.
2. seb- he does not help with chores in the house because he feels it is not his house so therefore he does not need to contribute to anything. I wish he would be more helpful as in helping out with chores or cooking something for my parents because they cook for the both of us
3. t- wish she would be less annoyed and just do her work whenever they come. She has a sweet personality and seems helpful but sometimes it is hard to trust her because when I was sick and going through a panic attack, she did not consider stopping her work and supporting me. She was just too annoyed with her own stuffs to bother.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to question all of the above people for not being a best friend because of certain criteria that they do not meet. I forgive myself for allowing myself to wish that if I desperately needed help tomorrow that all of the above would rush to me instantly and support me. I realize that this wishful thinking is only fueling my victim mode where if I do not have someone who can be my support structure then it means that I am doomed and that I have nobody to count on.
When and as I see myself afraid of being left by myself in the future and not having anyone to count on, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that this is just another pre-programmed script that I am accepting and allowing where the fear of feeling abandoned is too consuming to the point where I am not enjoying the present moment where I am being supported by various people but instead allowing the fear of uncertainty to dominate. I commit to realizing that the gift of now is what we should be seeking and not preoccupying ourselves with the what if scenario.
With that, I realize that I only made friends who simply justified my personality and gave me the recognition that I seek. What is also interesting is that when a so called friend comes into my life and she exhibits most of the characteristics of the proverb but not all of it, then she is almost seen as a threat or someone who may not fit the description of what a friend is supposed to be. That is when the mind goes into so much backchat where we end up questioning why the person behaves the way they behave and why can't they all just not be like us?
When I look deeper at this point I find that it manifests in all my relationships and therefore I will do self forgiveness on all of that. There are 4 people I interact with who almost but not entirely fit this friends in deed criteria and every time I think about them, my mind is always analyzing where they fit and what is lacking.
1. K- problem: she does not express love or send love signals in reality, but she definitely does so in virtual reality. I can't trust that she will go out of her way to do something for me because there is not that trust establishment.
2. seb- he does not help with chores in the house because he feels it is not his house so therefore he does not need to contribute to anything. I wish he would be more helpful as in helping out with chores or cooking something for my parents because they cook for the both of us
3. t- wish she would be less annoyed and just do her work whenever they come. She has a sweet personality and seems helpful but sometimes it is hard to trust her because when I was sick and going through a panic attack, she did not consider stopping her work and supporting me. She was just too annoyed with her own stuffs to bother.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to question all of the above people for not being a best friend because of certain criteria that they do not meet. I forgive myself for allowing myself to wish that if I desperately needed help tomorrow that all of the above would rush to me instantly and support me. I realize that this wishful thinking is only fueling my victim mode where if I do not have someone who can be my support structure then it means that I am doomed and that I have nobody to count on.
When and as I see myself afraid of being left by myself in the future and not having anyone to count on, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that this is just another pre-programmed script that I am accepting and allowing where the fear of feeling abandoned is too consuming to the point where I am not enjoying the present moment where I am being supported by various people but instead allowing the fear of uncertainty to dominate. I commit to realizing that the gift of now is what we should be seeking and not preoccupying ourselves with the what if scenario.
Day 14: what are friends for?
I am sure we have all heard the phrase "what are friends for?" I grew up with another phrase which sounds like ' A friend in need is a friend indeed." For the past few weeks my mind has been pondering about this point and I am constantly trying to determine where I fit in the picture. With my recent panic disorder I have come to understand more about who cares and who does not care.
Yet with that also comes this point of expectation which I am currently facing. For instance today I had a mild anxiety episode and I called up my husband to see if he could come fetch me. When he didn't answer the phone, I got angry and my mind went into the backchat mode telling me that he was just being an awful husband and that he was totally non supportive. Then I began to blame him for being too independent and carefree and almost worthless as what was the point of being with someone if they aren't with you in your sickest moments.
Another person who came up was with the 'friend' who I meet most of the time. Since we have known each other for 10 years now I expected her to take me to the doctor or care for me. She did care for me in the sense where she brought me a blanket and towel and made me tea when I visited her last week, but yet, what was interesting is that I felt no love coming from her. I just felt she was doing it just to be nice. The weird thing is that her friend took me to the doctor and she made sure I arrived home on time, which made me feel really good because I could feel from her she is a genuinely caring person. The vibes that this person gave off was a sincere love and compassion for another being, which I did not find in the friend I have known for 10 years.
I find that really interesting. The weird thing is that I know my friend is nice and friendly and whenever I do meet her I enjoy our conversations. At the same time I don't feel the closeness which I wish I could feel. In a way sometimes I feel I am being used because she is of the type to always want to meet up and talk. The interesting thing is that I have met her other friends and they are really nice and it seems that if they were my friends I would have definitely felt a connection, based on vibrations or compatibility wavelengths.
Then I remind myself that we all have our different personalities and we are all mirror images of one another. Though I wish that I had more support from people in this hard moments via emotional support, I also do realize that placing expectations on others also implies that you are avoiding taking 100% responsibility for what you are accepting and allowing. Yes I WOULD love for my husband to be with me 100% of the time and support me by putting his hands around my shoulders and telling me that I am here for you and everything is just going to be fine. Yes, I would love to have friends who are like nurses to me and bring me to places and treat me like a princess. Yes, I would love to have parents who never compared me and expected me to love their dreams. But these are things I can't control.
My husband does have his own life to live and punishing him by wanting to manipulate him in such a way by placing unrealistic expectations on him for my own self interest is just not best for all. What I now have come to realize is that we are all on our own here and that nothing is eternal. What my husband is teaching me is that I need to take control of my life and not rely on him to be there for me throughout my whole life. He is teaching me to stand on my own feet as I AM the creator of my life and I decide how I choose to live it. I understand that, yet, I can't help but think what is the purpose of people coming together if there is no 100% support. And in this, I compare my relationship with that of my parent's and I see where my husband fits in the picture. When he fails to act like my dad does, that makes me feel so insecure and I feel that he is not a good husband and that he does not care for me.
What my friend is telling me is indeed the same as my husband. She is telling me that yes, she will go some way to help, but definitely not all the way. She is also telling me that she does care for me, but obviously she doesn't care for me enough to go out of her way to help out. She is also telling me through her personality is that she is nice but also sometimes she gets short tempered and bored fast too. I also just realized that she has her own insecurities around bonding with others especially when it comes to forming a relationship, and that can also manifest in other types of relationships.That is probably what is happening here. She consciously cares for people but unconsciously has trouble either showing affection or forming secure bonds. The bottom line is that that is who she has accepted and allowed herself to become. And that is sad because she puts in a lot of effort to maintain friendships but at the same time she can't seem to protrude a sense of genuine love as in being compassionate to others. What she is showing me is that she is simply befriending to ensure that she has friends around her to socialize with and therefore it is all about pleasing the mind. Therefor this does not fit in the phrase of "A friend in need is a friend indeed." and because I have defined friendship based on this proverb, if my friends do not fit that phrase then that means they are automatically rejected.
What can I learn from all of this? Will do SF next blog.
Yet with that also comes this point of expectation which I am currently facing. For instance today I had a mild anxiety episode and I called up my husband to see if he could come fetch me. When he didn't answer the phone, I got angry and my mind went into the backchat mode telling me that he was just being an awful husband and that he was totally non supportive. Then I began to blame him for being too independent and carefree and almost worthless as what was the point of being with someone if they aren't with you in your sickest moments.
Another person who came up was with the 'friend' who I meet most of the time. Since we have known each other for 10 years now I expected her to take me to the doctor or care for me. She did care for me in the sense where she brought me a blanket and towel and made me tea when I visited her last week, but yet, what was interesting is that I felt no love coming from her. I just felt she was doing it just to be nice. The weird thing is that her friend took me to the doctor and she made sure I arrived home on time, which made me feel really good because I could feel from her she is a genuinely caring person. The vibes that this person gave off was a sincere love and compassion for another being, which I did not find in the friend I have known for 10 years.
I find that really interesting. The weird thing is that I know my friend is nice and friendly and whenever I do meet her I enjoy our conversations. At the same time I don't feel the closeness which I wish I could feel. In a way sometimes I feel I am being used because she is of the type to always want to meet up and talk. The interesting thing is that I have met her other friends and they are really nice and it seems that if they were my friends I would have definitely felt a connection, based on vibrations or compatibility wavelengths.
Then I remind myself that we all have our different personalities and we are all mirror images of one another. Though I wish that I had more support from people in this hard moments via emotional support, I also do realize that placing expectations on others also implies that you are avoiding taking 100% responsibility for what you are accepting and allowing. Yes I WOULD love for my husband to be with me 100% of the time and support me by putting his hands around my shoulders and telling me that I am here for you and everything is just going to be fine. Yes, I would love to have friends who are like nurses to me and bring me to places and treat me like a princess. Yes, I would love to have parents who never compared me and expected me to love their dreams. But these are things I can't control.
My husband does have his own life to live and punishing him by wanting to manipulate him in such a way by placing unrealistic expectations on him for my own self interest is just not best for all. What I now have come to realize is that we are all on our own here and that nothing is eternal. What my husband is teaching me is that I need to take control of my life and not rely on him to be there for me throughout my whole life. He is teaching me to stand on my own feet as I AM the creator of my life and I decide how I choose to live it. I understand that, yet, I can't help but think what is the purpose of people coming together if there is no 100% support. And in this, I compare my relationship with that of my parent's and I see where my husband fits in the picture. When he fails to act like my dad does, that makes me feel so insecure and I feel that he is not a good husband and that he does not care for me.
What my friend is telling me is indeed the same as my husband. She is telling me that yes, she will go some way to help, but definitely not all the way. She is also telling me that she does care for me, but obviously she doesn't care for me enough to go out of her way to help out. She is also telling me through her personality is that she is nice but also sometimes she gets short tempered and bored fast too. I also just realized that she has her own insecurities around bonding with others especially when it comes to forming a relationship, and that can also manifest in other types of relationships.That is probably what is happening here. She consciously cares for people but unconsciously has trouble either showing affection or forming secure bonds. The bottom line is that that is who she has accepted and allowed herself to become. And that is sad because she puts in a lot of effort to maintain friendships but at the same time she can't seem to protrude a sense of genuine love as in being compassionate to others. What she is showing me is that she is simply befriending to ensure that she has friends around her to socialize with and therefore it is all about pleasing the mind. Therefor this does not fit in the phrase of "A friend in need is a friend indeed." and because I have defined friendship based on this proverb, if my friends do not fit that phrase then that means they are automatically rejected.
What can I learn from all of this? Will do SF next blog.
Sunday 20 October 2013
Day 13: I thought we were friends
Today I had a couple of happenings which made me a bit concerned. A person who I thought of as a best friend to me no longer seems to be on facebook, for unknown reasons. Yet, today while being on another person's account I realized that she was on facebook and I assumed that the only reason why I couldn't see her is because she blocked me. I thought to myself well this is really weird and as far as I recall, I didn't say anything bad to her. My mind started to instantly go into this mode where I was trying to search for answers as to why she must have done this.
Some dimensions that came up:
1. fear of abandonment
2. fear of no longer have someone who cares for me and who I can count on in harsh moments
3. sadness that a long term friend suddenly disappeared
4. victim personality: Why does this always happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?
It is fascinating how we create this circle of people who we define us as and when something goes wrong in the circle, we end up fearing. We fear what we have done to cause or deserve this. We fear loss. We experience emotions that only consume us to the point where if we don't do something about it as in seeking out the truth, we get very agitated and almost paranoid. What I did was immediately email that friend and ask her where she is and how she is doing. The weird thing that happened is that I searched for her again on facebook and now suddenly she is in my friends list. I found that really awkward. I couldn't understand whether it was the email that I sent her that caused this happening or whether she had unblocked me before that. Anyways, that does not matter here. What matters is that a situation happened and I automatically reacted to it.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being abandoned by someone who I look up as my sister.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that the person who I trusted the most no longer cares for me and that I have no one to refer to as a best friend anymore.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience sadness that a friend who I care about suddenly disappeared on me for no reason.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to engage in this victim personality where I allow my mind to instantly go into backchats where I end up self sabotage.
When and as I see myself fearing abandonment, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this fear of abandonment came from childhood where my teacher abused me by always punishing me and this created abandonment as I was split from the rest of the group.
When and as I see myself fearing that the person who I trusted the most no longer seems to care anymore, I pause and I breathe. I realize that some relationships were just never meant to be in the first place and that such relationships created out of seeking something from the other being is not a supportive relationship.
When and as I see myself fearing that if that person is no longer my friend and therefore I am alone and no one will be my friend anymore, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is just a mind program that is running to lead me to self-sabotage where instead of standing up and taking responsibility to actually form bonds that are stable and operate out of oneness and equality, I am simply allowing emotions to rule me over and getting me to simply accept defeat and stay a victim lifelong.
I commit, once and for all, to realize that not all relationships that are created will stand the test of time and that such relationships are the reason for why this world operates the way it is, where self interest via greed has become the predominant factor into creating most of our relationships such that people only use and abuse one another to achieve that what they want to achieve. I commit to break this cycle of using people where I just want them to be my friends just because of the need to feel secure in case something goes wrong and instead commit to finding those who I am compatible with and who will maintain the relationship out of the principle of walking life together as a group.
Some dimensions that came up:
1. fear of abandonment
2. fear of no longer have someone who cares for me and who I can count on in harsh moments
3. sadness that a long term friend suddenly disappeared
4. victim personality: Why does this always happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?
It is fascinating how we create this circle of people who we define us as and when something goes wrong in the circle, we end up fearing. We fear what we have done to cause or deserve this. We fear loss. We experience emotions that only consume us to the point where if we don't do something about it as in seeking out the truth, we get very agitated and almost paranoid. What I did was immediately email that friend and ask her where she is and how she is doing. The weird thing that happened is that I searched for her again on facebook and now suddenly she is in my friends list. I found that really awkward. I couldn't understand whether it was the email that I sent her that caused this happening or whether she had unblocked me before that. Anyways, that does not matter here. What matters is that a situation happened and I automatically reacted to it.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being abandoned by someone who I look up as my sister.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that the person who I trusted the most no longer cares for me and that I have no one to refer to as a best friend anymore.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience sadness that a friend who I care about suddenly disappeared on me for no reason.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to engage in this victim personality where I allow my mind to instantly go into backchats where I end up self sabotage.
When and as I see myself fearing abandonment, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this fear of abandonment came from childhood where my teacher abused me by always punishing me and this created abandonment as I was split from the rest of the group.
When and as I see myself fearing that the person who I trusted the most no longer seems to care anymore, I pause and I breathe. I realize that some relationships were just never meant to be in the first place and that such relationships created out of seeking something from the other being is not a supportive relationship.
When and as I see myself fearing that if that person is no longer my friend and therefore I am alone and no one will be my friend anymore, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is just a mind program that is running to lead me to self-sabotage where instead of standing up and taking responsibility to actually form bonds that are stable and operate out of oneness and equality, I am simply allowing emotions to rule me over and getting me to simply accept defeat and stay a victim lifelong.
I commit, once and for all, to realize that not all relationships that are created will stand the test of time and that such relationships are the reason for why this world operates the way it is, where self interest via greed has become the predominant factor into creating most of our relationships such that people only use and abuse one another to achieve that what they want to achieve. I commit to break this cycle of using people where I just want them to be my friends just because of the need to feel secure in case something goes wrong and instead commit to finding those who I am compatible with and who will maintain the relationship out of the principle of walking life together as a group.
Tuesday 15 October 2013
Day 11: The people pleaser
The wanting to always please everyone has been a point I have struggled for years. With that, I developed this 'likeability person' where I would shape myself so that I can please someone else by trying my best to become likeable. When that personality backfired, I would go into this energetic state of taking things personally where I would experience unpleasant movement in my body leading to more backchats. Therefore I became a victim and this point has been my predominant manifestation of the mind consciousness system since I was a kid.
For the past few months, I have tried my best to avoid the people who I felt were very different from me. What came out of this situation was more and more bitterness because now I felt left out and miserable being all by myself. Whenever someone would behave in a way that I would dislike, that would make me sad and more miserable because I am just used to being a victim, created out of the desire to be a likeable person.
So the people pleaser leads to taking things personally which leads to becoming a victim. One recent realization I have come to understand is that it is ridiculous to please everyone because this is a belief that the mind wants us to do to self-sabotage. The truth is we can't control what another being things of us. People will decide if they want to hate or love or just accept us for who we are. Therefore, how can we fix this flaw to ensure that we can function effectively as a team at work?
The 'people pleaser' is definitely something leading to self sabotage. First, it is impossible to please everyone because every being comes with their own perceptions and beliefs. For instance, I was reading some post made by an individual on a forum. The post in itself was positive as in it was congratulating people for taking a step to lead a better life. Most people were in favor of that with one exception. One person found the post very insulting because their interpretation of it was :"Are you telling me that I didn't know what I was doing?" They automatically assumed that the post was rendering them as a person who didn't make use of their brain while taking a decision.
That was definitely an eye opener for me. It made me realize that no matter how nice you can be and no matter how great your intentions are, the truth is that there are people out there who just will never agree. This has nothing to do with you, the being. It is more of a reflection of who they are. You, the being, are just providing a trigger for the other person to react to. That incident also made me realize one more thing. While most people saw the reading for what it was, as in, being congratulated for doing something good for them, a few (in this case 1) didn't agree. Yet, it is fascinating how this one/a few outliers are the ones we tend to put a lot of focus and weight one. We don't focus on the fact that most people actually saw it for what it was.
This situation parallels my work situation where I feel negative about wanting to go back to work because of a few people. Yet, the majority of them are really great to be around and nice to talk to. The mind however seems to want to preoccupy itself with the few that are able to fuel it with energy via backchats. It is also interesting how the mind wants to manipulate and cause more anxiety. I have been on medical leave for 5 weeks now, but every single moment my mind has been preoccupied with work. I have been trying to read a book to get my mind to at least focus on the present but even that has been really challenging.
Despite all, I am committed to once for all, changing myself by doing my self corrective applications. Even if that will take me time, I am in the process of being in the 'now'.
For the past few months, I have tried my best to avoid the people who I felt were very different from me. What came out of this situation was more and more bitterness because now I felt left out and miserable being all by myself. Whenever someone would behave in a way that I would dislike, that would make me sad and more miserable because I am just used to being a victim, created out of the desire to be a likeable person.
So the people pleaser leads to taking things personally which leads to becoming a victim. One recent realization I have come to understand is that it is ridiculous to please everyone because this is a belief that the mind wants us to do to self-sabotage. The truth is we can't control what another being things of us. People will decide if they want to hate or love or just accept us for who we are. Therefore, how can we fix this flaw to ensure that we can function effectively as a team at work?
The 'people pleaser' is definitely something leading to self sabotage. First, it is impossible to please everyone because every being comes with their own perceptions and beliefs. For instance, I was reading some post made by an individual on a forum. The post in itself was positive as in it was congratulating people for taking a step to lead a better life. Most people were in favor of that with one exception. One person found the post very insulting because their interpretation of it was :"Are you telling me that I didn't know what I was doing?" They automatically assumed that the post was rendering them as a person who didn't make use of their brain while taking a decision.
That was definitely an eye opener for me. It made me realize that no matter how nice you can be and no matter how great your intentions are, the truth is that there are people out there who just will never agree. This has nothing to do with you, the being. It is more of a reflection of who they are. You, the being, are just providing a trigger for the other person to react to. That incident also made me realize one more thing. While most people saw the reading for what it was, as in, being congratulated for doing something good for them, a few (in this case 1) didn't agree. Yet, it is fascinating how this one/a few outliers are the ones we tend to put a lot of focus and weight one. We don't focus on the fact that most people actually saw it for what it was.
This situation parallels my work situation where I feel negative about wanting to go back to work because of a few people. Yet, the majority of them are really great to be around and nice to talk to. The mind however seems to want to preoccupy itself with the few that are able to fuel it with energy via backchats. It is also interesting how the mind wants to manipulate and cause more anxiety. I have been on medical leave for 5 weeks now, but every single moment my mind has been preoccupied with work. I have been trying to read a book to get my mind to at least focus on the present but even that has been really challenging.
Despite all, I am committed to once for all, changing myself by doing my self corrective applications. Even if that will take me time, I am in the process of being in the 'now'.
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