I am sure we have all heard the phrase "what are friends for?" I grew up with another phrase which sounds like ' A friend in need is a friend indeed." For the past few weeks my mind has been pondering about this point and I am constantly trying to determine where I fit in the picture. With my recent panic disorder I have come to understand more about who cares and who does not care.
Yet with that also comes this point of expectation which I am currently facing. For instance today I had a mild anxiety episode and I called up my husband to see if he could come fetch me. When he didn't answer the phone, I got angry and my mind went into the backchat mode telling me that he was just being an awful husband and that he was totally non supportive. Then I began to blame him for being too independent and carefree and almost worthless as what was the point of being with someone if they aren't with you in your sickest moments.
Another person who came up was with the 'friend' who I meet most of the time. Since we have known each other for 10 years now I expected her to take me to the doctor or care for me. She did care for me in the sense where she brought me a blanket and towel and made me tea when I visited her last week, but yet, what was interesting is that I felt no love coming from her. I just felt she was doing it just to be nice. The weird thing is that her friend took me to the doctor and she made sure I arrived home on time, which made me feel really good because I could feel from her she is a genuinely caring person. The vibes that this person gave off was a sincere love and compassion for another being, which I did not find in the friend I have known for 10 years.
I find that really interesting. The weird thing is that I know my friend is nice and friendly and whenever I do meet her I enjoy our conversations. At the same time I don't feel the closeness which I wish I could feel. In a way sometimes I feel I am being used because she is of the type to always want to meet up and talk. The interesting thing is that I have met her other friends and they are really nice and it seems that if they were my friends I would have definitely felt a connection, based on vibrations or compatibility wavelengths.
Then I remind myself that we all have our different personalities and we are all mirror images of one another. Though I wish that I had more support from people in this hard moments via emotional support, I also do realize that placing expectations on others also implies that you are avoiding taking 100% responsibility for what you are accepting and allowing. Yes I WOULD love for my husband to be with me 100% of the time and support me by putting his hands around my shoulders and telling me that I am here for you and everything is just going to be fine. Yes, I would love to have friends who are like nurses to me and bring me to places and treat me like a princess. Yes, I would love to have parents who never compared me and expected me to love their dreams. But these are things I can't control.
My husband does have his own life to live and punishing him by wanting to manipulate him in such a way by placing unrealistic expectations on him for my own self interest is just not best for all. What I now have come to realize is that we are all on our own here and that nothing is eternal. What my husband is teaching me is that I need to take control of my life and not rely on him to be there for me throughout my whole life. He is teaching me to stand on my own feet as I AM the creator of my life and I decide how I choose to live it. I understand that, yet, I can't help but think what is the purpose of people coming together if there is no 100% support. And in this, I compare my relationship with that of my parent's and I see where my husband fits in the picture. When he fails to act like my dad does, that makes me feel so insecure and I feel that he is not a good husband and that he does not care for me.
What my friend is telling me is indeed the same as my husband. She is telling me that yes, she will go some way to help, but definitely not all the way. She is also telling me that she does care for me, but obviously she doesn't care for me enough to go out of her way to help out. She is also telling me through her personality is that she is nice but also sometimes she gets short tempered and bored fast too. I also just realized that she has her own insecurities around bonding with others especially when it comes to forming a relationship, and that can also manifest in other types of relationships.That is probably what is happening here. She consciously cares for people but unconsciously has trouble either showing affection or forming secure bonds. The bottom line is that that is who she has accepted and allowed herself to become. And that is sad because she puts in a lot of effort to maintain friendships but at the same time she can't seem to protrude a sense of genuine love as in being compassionate to others. What she is showing me is that she is simply befriending to ensure that she has friends around her to socialize with and therefore it is all about pleasing the mind. Therefor this does not fit in the phrase of "A friend in need is a friend indeed." and because I have defined friendship based on this proverb, if my friends do not fit that phrase then that means they are automatically rejected.
What can I learn from all of this? Will do SF next blog.
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