This is a continuation from last night's blog where I was talking about friends. So I recall when being little the one proverb which stated: A friend in need is a friend indeed. Throughout my life I have pretty much filtered people out based on this proverb where whenever I came in contact with someone I would subconsciously see where they fit in this picture and see if I have a chance to develop the friendship or just not bother with it.
With that, I realize that I only made friends who simply justified my personality and gave me the recognition that I seek. What is also interesting is that when a so called friend comes into my life and she exhibits most of the characteristics of the proverb but not all of it, then she is almost seen as a threat or someone who may not fit the description of what a friend is supposed to be. That is when the mind goes into so much backchat where we end up questioning why the person behaves the way they behave and why can't they all just not be like us?
When I look deeper at this point I find that it manifests in all my relationships and therefore I will do self forgiveness on all of that. There are 4 people I interact with who almost but not entirely fit this friends in deed criteria and every time I think about them, my mind is always analyzing where they fit and what is lacking.
1. K- problem: she does not express love or send love signals in reality, but she definitely does so in virtual reality. I can't trust that she will go out of her way to do something for me because there is not that trust establishment.
2. seb- he does not help with chores in the house because he feels it is not his house so therefore he does not need to contribute to anything. I wish he would be more helpful as in helping out with chores or cooking something for my parents because they cook for the both of us
3. t- wish she would be less annoyed and just do her work whenever they come. She has a sweet personality and seems helpful but sometimes it is hard to trust her because when I was sick and going through a panic attack, she did not consider stopping her work and supporting me. She was just too annoyed with her own stuffs to bother.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to question all of the above people for not being a best friend because of certain criteria that they do not meet. I forgive myself for allowing myself to wish that if I desperately needed help tomorrow that all of the above would rush to me instantly and support me. I realize that this wishful thinking is only fueling my victim mode where if I do not have someone who can be my support structure then it means that I am doomed and that I have nobody to count on.
When and as I see myself afraid of being left by myself in the future and not having anyone to count on, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that this is just another pre-programmed script that I am accepting and allowing where the fear of feeling abandoned is too consuming to the point where I am not enjoying the present moment where I am being supported by various people but instead allowing the fear of uncertainty to dominate. I commit to realizing that the gift of now is what we should be seeking and not preoccupying ourselves with the what if scenario.
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