I have struggled since childhood with one major thing which is not being able to drink 8 glasses of water. I would say that a good day for me would be being able to actually drink 3 glasses of water. I seem to only consume water when I feel thirsty which never really seems to happen throughout the day.
My doctor has been constantly pushing me to drink at least 8 glasses per day for the past 2 months. There has been a few days where I quietly obeyed and then after a few days, it would be back to square 1 where I just did not want to consume anything anymore.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consume water whenever I am thirsty and not push through drinking more water knowing that water is medicine and that our physical bodies require a certain amount of water a day. I commit to drinking at least 6-8 glasses of water a day.
Thursday 19 December 2013
Wednesday 18 December 2013
Day 34: Recurring memories: The Abusive Character
I am opening up a new thread called " Recurring Memories". In this blog series, I will write about specific memories that seem to come through constantly or periodically.
The one memory that seems to keep jogging in my mind is about my aunt. She was physically and emotionally abused by her husband who had been cheating on her for almost 20 years. She attempted suicide a couple of times but was always saved by her sisters or her son. I just talked to my mum about this and asked her : " Mum, why didn't aunty just choose to divorce?" Her answer was because of their upbringing where divorce at the time was seen as something really shameful and caused the family's reputation to just go down. In addition, she lived in a time where there was a preconceived judgement around raising kids by a single parent. At the time, people believed that parents have to sacrifice themselves for the well-being of their kids, by enduring whatever came their way such as abuse so that the child can at least have a dad.
I wanted to know what my mum thought of that and she answered that both divorce and staying in an abusive relationship would cause harm to the child. I found that to be interesting for my mum according to me has always been a symbol of sacrifice. To tell me that divorce is not a bad thing in this context was something I was happy to hear. It is interesting how being raised affects one life where one will end up in a position of sacrifice to please society and others but never please self. Growing up, divorce was something seen as sinful and unacceptable but nowadays it is quite a fashion.
I remembered staying at my aunty's place as a kid and I would constantly hear them fighting and screaming at one another and glasses would be broken. I was less than 5 years at the time. I was traumatized. My parents never fought and yelled at each other that way. Going to my aunt's place was a nightmare. As a result of my uncle's cheating I ended up distrusting men in general. What I thought and still subconsciously think of men is that they are assholes because they cheat and treat women like shit.
I grew up fearing that someday the same would happen to me. I still find in my relationship that even though I have come to really appreciate my husband, deep down inside of me does not trust him just because he is a man.
What my aunt has taught me though is that in the darkest moments, even if you are being abused in many ways, one needs to stand and realize that life is precious. Taking one's life away in such circumstances will only fuel regret after. Most of us will realize once we die that we did not accomplish what we wanted to do while we had the chance to do so on this planet and in this physical body. Therefore, in those circumstances, to end the abuse, one must really understand that staying in a relationship just to please society is only teaching a kid that it is acceptable to be abusive. Also by looking at their parent's abuse, the child will learn and subconsciously justify that it is acceptable to abuse others or be abused. They will never understand that stopping the abuse means standing up for oneself by not fueling the cycle, and this is done by ending the relationship or doing something to put an end to that cycle such as some form of therapy.
One needs to also realize that what society has taught us with regards to social norms may also cause one to induce in self-sabotage. For instance, women are seen as objects in many countries or as unequal to men. Women are taught that their primary role is to simply please their husband no matter what. The consequence is that we end up fueling a cycle of abuse where now the man has obtained more power and is in a position of control while the woman becomes a victim. This cycle has repeated itself throughout history and it still continuing to do so in many countries.
It is time that we all stand up for equality where both men and women are treated the same. We all need to recognize that relationships require time and devotion as in both parties taking 100% responsibility to create a relationship which they both agree on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop mistrust for all men because of my abusive uncle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to dwell on past memories of trauma where I ended up experiencing extreme fear when I would hear people screaming and breaking glassware.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring that mistrust into my relationship with my husband.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conclude that divorce is bad and therefore women should just suppress themselves and give in to whatever their man is wanting them to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that divorce would happen to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience feelings of pity and sadness for my aunt because she chose to stay in the relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that my aunt could turn back time and have a better life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel some anger towards my aunt for allowing herself to remain in an abusive relationship.
When and as I catch myself having thoughts of my aunt and her past, I pause and I breathe. I realize that what she has gone through has nothing to do with me but that was her choice and her life path which she chose for her own reasons. I understand that this memory is simply haunting me because of my fear of divorce where I wish in my mind that my aunt would have divorced but at the same time I fear it for myself. Therefore my new definition of divorce is: The act of 2 people choosing to part ways to ensure a consequential outflow which is best for all via breaking patterns that are promoting abuse and self-sabotage. I commit to living my life based on that new definition and let go of any charges that I have linked to that word.
The one memory that seems to keep jogging in my mind is about my aunt. She was physically and emotionally abused by her husband who had been cheating on her for almost 20 years. She attempted suicide a couple of times but was always saved by her sisters or her son. I just talked to my mum about this and asked her : " Mum, why didn't aunty just choose to divorce?" Her answer was because of their upbringing where divorce at the time was seen as something really shameful and caused the family's reputation to just go down. In addition, she lived in a time where there was a preconceived judgement around raising kids by a single parent. At the time, people believed that parents have to sacrifice themselves for the well-being of their kids, by enduring whatever came their way such as abuse so that the child can at least have a dad.
I wanted to know what my mum thought of that and she answered that both divorce and staying in an abusive relationship would cause harm to the child. I found that to be interesting for my mum according to me has always been a symbol of sacrifice. To tell me that divorce is not a bad thing in this context was something I was happy to hear. It is interesting how being raised affects one life where one will end up in a position of sacrifice to please society and others but never please self. Growing up, divorce was something seen as sinful and unacceptable but nowadays it is quite a fashion.
I remembered staying at my aunty's place as a kid and I would constantly hear them fighting and screaming at one another and glasses would be broken. I was less than 5 years at the time. I was traumatized. My parents never fought and yelled at each other that way. Going to my aunt's place was a nightmare. As a result of my uncle's cheating I ended up distrusting men in general. What I thought and still subconsciously think of men is that they are assholes because they cheat and treat women like shit.
I grew up fearing that someday the same would happen to me. I still find in my relationship that even though I have come to really appreciate my husband, deep down inside of me does not trust him just because he is a man.
What my aunt has taught me though is that in the darkest moments, even if you are being abused in many ways, one needs to stand and realize that life is precious. Taking one's life away in such circumstances will only fuel regret after. Most of us will realize once we die that we did not accomplish what we wanted to do while we had the chance to do so on this planet and in this physical body. Therefore, in those circumstances, to end the abuse, one must really understand that staying in a relationship just to please society is only teaching a kid that it is acceptable to be abusive. Also by looking at their parent's abuse, the child will learn and subconsciously justify that it is acceptable to abuse others or be abused. They will never understand that stopping the abuse means standing up for oneself by not fueling the cycle, and this is done by ending the relationship or doing something to put an end to that cycle such as some form of therapy.
One needs to also realize that what society has taught us with regards to social norms may also cause one to induce in self-sabotage. For instance, women are seen as objects in many countries or as unequal to men. Women are taught that their primary role is to simply please their husband no matter what. The consequence is that we end up fueling a cycle of abuse where now the man has obtained more power and is in a position of control while the woman becomes a victim. This cycle has repeated itself throughout history and it still continuing to do so in many countries.
It is time that we all stand up for equality where both men and women are treated the same. We all need to recognize that relationships require time and devotion as in both parties taking 100% responsibility to create a relationship which they both agree on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop mistrust for all men because of my abusive uncle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to dwell on past memories of trauma where I ended up experiencing extreme fear when I would hear people screaming and breaking glassware.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring that mistrust into my relationship with my husband.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conclude that divorce is bad and therefore women should just suppress themselves and give in to whatever their man is wanting them to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that divorce would happen to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience feelings of pity and sadness for my aunt because she chose to stay in the relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that my aunt could turn back time and have a better life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel some anger towards my aunt for allowing herself to remain in an abusive relationship.
When and as I catch myself having thoughts of my aunt and her past, I pause and I breathe. I realize that what she has gone through has nothing to do with me but that was her choice and her life path which she chose for her own reasons. I understand that this memory is simply haunting me because of my fear of divorce where I wish in my mind that my aunt would have divorced but at the same time I fear it for myself. Therefore my new definition of divorce is: The act of 2 people choosing to part ways to ensure a consequential outflow which is best for all via breaking patterns that are promoting abuse and self-sabotage. I commit to living my life based on that new definition and let go of any charges that I have linked to that word.
Tuesday 17 December 2013
Day 33: Resistance to writing
Doing my daily blogs has been quite challenging in the sense that I find that I have this procrastinating behavior where I tell myself that I will blog shortly but never really push myself to do it. Therefore, I
decided to write about this point which I am sure a lot of us face at least in the beginning stages of
writing.
It is amazing how powerful our minds have become in that whenever we want to change something, like a certain personality trait or behavior, our mind does everything in its power to just stop us from doing so. We end up developing this form of energetic resistance which usually creates a lazy character and then entails some form of energetic reaction such as guilt or shame.
I found for myself that there are 2 instances where I want to do something to break my habits but I find it hard to maintain that. First would be to go out for daily walks and second would be for blogging. The weird thing that I noticed is that I never thought of myself as a procrastinator. For instance, I know in high school towards my final years, I would actually do homework the same day it was assigned. Therefore, I thought I was on the right track in assuming 100% responsibility and not leaving things for the very last minute.
Yet, this has not been the case with my journey to life blogs. Breaking out of patterns to create new ones requires persistence and effort. That has a lot to do with our cognition, in other words the way our neurons work. Forming new habits means forming new neurons and that can only be accomplished with complete dedication and persistence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resistance to writing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a lazy character as a result of not writing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a procrastinating character as a result of not writing.
When and as I see myself wanting to postpone my writing, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that by doing so I allowing myself to create more friction via resistance. I therefore commit to ensuring I write on a regular basis and not spontaneously or whenever I feel like it.
decided to write about this point which I am sure a lot of us face at least in the beginning stages of
writing.
It is amazing how powerful our minds have become in that whenever we want to change something, like a certain personality trait or behavior, our mind does everything in its power to just stop us from doing so. We end up developing this form of energetic resistance which usually creates a lazy character and then entails some form of energetic reaction such as guilt or shame.
I found for myself that there are 2 instances where I want to do something to break my habits but I find it hard to maintain that. First would be to go out for daily walks and second would be for blogging. The weird thing that I noticed is that I never thought of myself as a procrastinator. For instance, I know in high school towards my final years, I would actually do homework the same day it was assigned. Therefore, I thought I was on the right track in assuming 100% responsibility and not leaving things for the very last minute.
Yet, this has not been the case with my journey to life blogs. Breaking out of patterns to create new ones requires persistence and effort. That has a lot to do with our cognition, in other words the way our neurons work. Forming new habits means forming new neurons and that can only be accomplished with complete dedication and persistence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resistance to writing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a lazy character as a result of not writing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a procrastinating character as a result of not writing.
When and as I see myself wanting to postpone my writing, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that by doing so I allowing myself to create more friction via resistance. I therefore commit to ensuring I write on a regular basis and not spontaneously or whenever I feel like it.
Friday 13 December 2013
Day 32: No occasion to wear anything, what is the point of living?
When I first moved to Canada 14 years ago, something that struck me was the way people here dressed. I came from a country where whenever there was an occasion to socialize, such as a birthday party or wedding, people would make sure they would dress up nicely. Here, I found that most people are just too casual. People wear yoga pants to actually go to school or walk on the streets.
As a result, I have developped this 'boring personality' which reflects on the way I dress. I only wear the colors that people here wear which are gray and black. I end up just wearing casual clothes which are simple and just don't make me feel good. When I go to shopping malls and browse at clothes, I find that I end up thinking about 1 major thing which is will I ever wear that as in do I have an occasion to wear it? I find that since I do not have a great social life here where I get to meet and socialize with people etc, I have no use for any clothes.
My life simply revolves around work, seeing my man play tennis, shopping for groceries and occasionally meeting a couple of friends who are themselves casual. For those occasions, I have no chance to dress nicely as in wearing beautiful outfits. I don't see myself wearing accessories and a chic top just to go buy food. With this attitude, I find that my life is just pointless. I mean it is the daily grind. Work and home. Groceries and that is it. Nothing else to do. I find that days go by and I feel that I have wasted my life away.I have done nothing of purpose to add value to society. I have done nothing to add value to my own life. I don't understand what to do anymore. I feel so lonely and isolated.
It seems that when I look at the world and the way people behave, at least in the city in which I live, there is so much disconnect amongst all of us. People no longer know how to socialize. People no longer share themselves with another one. People will meet and greet and exchange a few words and then move on. I have sought to understand what has caused all that to happen. What I see is that we are reaping the unfortunate consequence of a world system just gone bad. People are surviving and working hard to earn money. Those who do have money don't know how to use it properly. People don't seem interested in socializing because all they care about is how am I going to survive? So many people are currently jobless. That is a sad reality.
We need a better world system. Please investigate Living Income Guaranteed.
As a result, I have developped this 'boring personality' which reflects on the way I dress. I only wear the colors that people here wear which are gray and black. I end up just wearing casual clothes which are simple and just don't make me feel good. When I go to shopping malls and browse at clothes, I find that I end up thinking about 1 major thing which is will I ever wear that as in do I have an occasion to wear it? I find that since I do not have a great social life here where I get to meet and socialize with people etc, I have no use for any clothes.
My life simply revolves around work, seeing my man play tennis, shopping for groceries and occasionally meeting a couple of friends who are themselves casual. For those occasions, I have no chance to dress nicely as in wearing beautiful outfits. I don't see myself wearing accessories and a chic top just to go buy food. With this attitude, I find that my life is just pointless. I mean it is the daily grind. Work and home. Groceries and that is it. Nothing else to do. I find that days go by and I feel that I have wasted my life away.I have done nothing of purpose to add value to society. I have done nothing to add value to my own life. I don't understand what to do anymore. I feel so lonely and isolated.
It seems that when I look at the world and the way people behave, at least in the city in which I live, there is so much disconnect amongst all of us. People no longer know how to socialize. People no longer share themselves with another one. People will meet and greet and exchange a few words and then move on. I have sought to understand what has caused all that to happen. What I see is that we are reaping the unfortunate consequence of a world system just gone bad. People are surviving and working hard to earn money. Those who do have money don't know how to use it properly. People don't seem interested in socializing because all they care about is how am I going to survive? So many people are currently jobless. That is a sad reality.
We need a better world system. Please investigate Living Income Guaranteed.
Tuesday 10 December 2013
Day 30: The Trophy Kid
Today, I went to see my psychologist and I had an interesting realization. Society places a lot of expectations on being a trophy wife, but have we ever taken a step back and really observed what we are doing to our kids? Parents in general want their kids to become trophy kids, where they place expectations on what their kids should achieve to satisfy their own desires.
Typically, parents want their kids to excel at everything, especially academics. For some parents, it is also about having their kids become popular and famous. When the kids do not perform as per what the parents desire, then comes conflict. Then the relationship between parents and kids take a downwards turn and some kids choose to never speak to their parents again.
Yet, the trophy kids can also find its way into more global issues such as poverty. In countries like India for instance, it is not surprising to find people making kids and then purposely breaking a leg or finger to arouse pity in others who would donate money to them. In such extreme cases, kids are not even seen as humans but objects for money.
Kids have unfortunately become the new trophy, where they are placed into this world with the starting premise of helping parents boost their ego via the kid's performance. I hear my coworkers brag a lot about their kids and how skilful and popular they are. All I can wonder is why? If your kid is that great, why brag about them?
It is time that we see kids for really who they are, living expressions who are born to develop their potentials and bring about a world filled with equality. It is time that we move from a world of competition to cooperation where we teach kids values which will help them serve mankind. It is time we see kids for what talents they bring with them to this world as opposed to what talents we parents want them to evolve.
SF:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a victim because I failed to fulfil my parent's desires.
When and as I see myself feeling sad, angry, overwhelmed and upset that I did not meet expectations, I pause and I breathe. I allow myself to release myself from this energetic dependence I am holding onto, which is simply just fueling the mind. I understand that in order for me to not repeat the same pattern as my parents, that I am required to let go of that accumulated energy and train my mind to seek to help my child understand where their talents are and how to develop them.
Typically, parents want their kids to excel at everything, especially academics. For some parents, it is also about having their kids become popular and famous. When the kids do not perform as per what the parents desire, then comes conflict. Then the relationship between parents and kids take a downwards turn and some kids choose to never speak to their parents again.
Yet, the trophy kids can also find its way into more global issues such as poverty. In countries like India for instance, it is not surprising to find people making kids and then purposely breaking a leg or finger to arouse pity in others who would donate money to them. In such extreme cases, kids are not even seen as humans but objects for money.
Kids have unfortunately become the new trophy, where they are placed into this world with the starting premise of helping parents boost their ego via the kid's performance. I hear my coworkers brag a lot about their kids and how skilful and popular they are. All I can wonder is why? If your kid is that great, why brag about them?
It is time that we see kids for really who they are, living expressions who are born to develop their potentials and bring about a world filled with equality. It is time that we move from a world of competition to cooperation where we teach kids values which will help them serve mankind. It is time we see kids for what talents they bring with them to this world as opposed to what talents we parents want them to evolve.
SF:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a victim because I failed to fulfil my parent's desires.
When and as I see myself feeling sad, angry, overwhelmed and upset that I did not meet expectations, I pause and I breathe. I allow myself to release myself from this energetic dependence I am holding onto, which is simply just fueling the mind. I understand that in order for me to not repeat the same pattern as my parents, that I am required to let go of that accumulated energy and train my mind to seek to help my child understand where their talents are and how to develop them.
Sunday 8 December 2013
day 31: Saving the world character
I have since a kid evolved this personality trait regarding saving the world where I engage a lot in wishful thinking. I have come to understand that this comes from my parents wanting me to become a doctor and what my dad did was constantly refer me to Florence Nightingale and wanted me to dare to become like her. Therefore since a kid I have constantly been dreaming about wanting to become this heroic figure which attempts to save humanity from all chaos.
I also find that watching movies also contributes to developing a heroic personality. Men in movies are mainly seen as a hero while females are there as a support person or sex icon.What I find in my dreams and imaginations is me standing in front of a huge crowd of people and doing a noble act. For the past few weeks, I have been imagining myself in a TV competition and what I did was direct acts to bring about a new system (EMS) by slowing attempting to make the audience understand that this current system is just not working. In that imaginative scene, I portray myself as a magnetic person who is able to 'wow' people because I am showing them a new way of thinking which is entirely based on common sense.
Pretty much, from what I see, is my strong desire to wish to have people switch their perspective from what they are currently accepting and allowing to something that I am studying (the DIP). At first, I thought well, that is what we all should be doing. We should be promoting this new way of thinking and new system design. Yet, I know that simply wishing that this would happen is another mind created energetic relationship, where I am constantly allowing my mind to play out scenes and imaginations of whatever I desire to accomplish.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in wishful thinking, where I would constantly spend most of my time living in my mind as opposed to being here in the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by what my parents desired that I become, where I created this personality in my mind where I now should aim to be like Florence Nightingale.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the hero construct, where I create an imaginative personality who is seen as a hero, therefore participating in a polarity construct as for a hero to exist implies that a zero should exist as well.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself as wondergirl who will do anything and everything to just save people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become influenced from movies and cartoons where I now begin to believe that becoming a hero is what I should aim at doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously fuel the mind system by imagining being in front of a big audience and doing what needed to be done to help them understand about current reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want other people to develop common sense when I myself have not yet developed that.
When and as I see myself imagining being in front of a stage and imagining me in a situation where I get to influence people, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that this imagination is simply just fueling the mind system because by continuously participating in my thoughts, I am not doing anything constructive with regards to being here in the now and in the physical. I commit to releasing myself from this energetic relationship of imagination via breath and engaging in activities to promote the system in real physical reality. I also commit to letting go on the energetic relationship I have created with respect to what my parents wanted me to become by realizing that they were simply coming from their own perspectives and mindset and that they did not know better.
I also find that watching movies also contributes to developing a heroic personality. Men in movies are mainly seen as a hero while females are there as a support person or sex icon.What I find in my dreams and imaginations is me standing in front of a huge crowd of people and doing a noble act. For the past few weeks, I have been imagining myself in a TV competition and what I did was direct acts to bring about a new system (EMS) by slowing attempting to make the audience understand that this current system is just not working. In that imaginative scene, I portray myself as a magnetic person who is able to 'wow' people because I am showing them a new way of thinking which is entirely based on common sense.
Pretty much, from what I see, is my strong desire to wish to have people switch their perspective from what they are currently accepting and allowing to something that I am studying (the DIP). At first, I thought well, that is what we all should be doing. We should be promoting this new way of thinking and new system design. Yet, I know that simply wishing that this would happen is another mind created energetic relationship, where I am constantly allowing my mind to play out scenes and imaginations of whatever I desire to accomplish.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in wishful thinking, where I would constantly spend most of my time living in my mind as opposed to being here in the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by what my parents desired that I become, where I created this personality in my mind where I now should aim to be like Florence Nightingale.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the hero construct, where I create an imaginative personality who is seen as a hero, therefore participating in a polarity construct as for a hero to exist implies that a zero should exist as well.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself as wondergirl who will do anything and everything to just save people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become influenced from movies and cartoons where I now begin to believe that becoming a hero is what I should aim at doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously fuel the mind system by imagining being in front of a big audience and doing what needed to be done to help them understand about current reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want other people to develop common sense when I myself have not yet developed that.
When and as I see myself imagining being in front of a stage and imagining me in a situation where I get to influence people, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that this imagination is simply just fueling the mind system because by continuously participating in my thoughts, I am not doing anything constructive with regards to being here in the now and in the physical. I commit to releasing myself from this energetic relationship of imagination via breath and engaging in activities to promote the system in real physical reality. I also commit to letting go on the energetic relationship I have created with respect to what my parents wanted me to become by realizing that they were simply coming from their own perspectives and mindset and that they did not know better.
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