I am opening up a new thread called " Recurring Memories". In this blog series, I will write about specific memories that seem to come through constantly or periodically.
The one memory that seems to keep jogging in my mind is about my aunt. She was physically and emotionally abused by her husband who had been cheating on her for almost 20 years. She attempted suicide a couple of times but was always saved by her sisters or her son. I just talked to my mum about this and asked her : " Mum, why didn't aunty just choose to divorce?" Her answer was because of their upbringing where divorce at the time was seen as something really shameful and caused the family's reputation to just go down. In addition, she lived in a time where there was a preconceived judgement around raising kids by a single parent. At the time, people believed that parents have to sacrifice themselves for the well-being of their kids, by enduring whatever came their way such as abuse so that the child can at least have a dad.
I wanted to know what my mum thought of that and she answered that both divorce and staying in an abusive relationship would cause harm to the child. I found that to be interesting for my mum according to me has always been a symbol of sacrifice. To tell me that divorce is not a bad thing in this context was something I was happy to hear. It is interesting how being raised affects one life where one will end up in a position of sacrifice to please society and others but never please self. Growing up, divorce was something seen as sinful and unacceptable but nowadays it is quite a fashion.
I remembered staying at my aunty's place as a kid and I would constantly hear them fighting and screaming at one another and glasses would be broken. I was less than 5 years at the time. I was traumatized. My parents never fought and yelled at each other that way. Going to my aunt's place was a nightmare. As a result of my uncle's cheating I ended up distrusting men in general. What I thought and still subconsciously think of men is that they are assholes because they cheat and treat women like shit.
I grew up fearing that someday the same would happen to me. I still find in my relationship that even though I have come to really appreciate my husband, deep down inside of me does not trust him just because he is a man.
What my aunt has taught me though is that in the darkest moments, even if you are being abused in many ways, one needs to stand and realize that life is precious. Taking one's life away in such circumstances will only fuel regret after. Most of us will realize once we die that we did not accomplish what we wanted to do while we had the chance to do so on this planet and in this physical body. Therefore, in those circumstances, to end the abuse, one must really understand that staying in a relationship just to please society is only teaching a kid that it is acceptable to be abusive. Also by looking at their parent's abuse, the child will learn and subconsciously justify that it is acceptable to abuse others or be abused. They will never understand that stopping the abuse means standing up for oneself by not fueling the cycle, and this is done by ending the relationship or doing something to put an end to that cycle such as some form of therapy.
One needs to also realize that what society has taught us with regards to social norms may also cause one to induce in self-sabotage. For instance, women are seen as objects in many countries or as unequal to men. Women are taught that their primary role is to simply please their husband no matter what. The consequence is that we end up fueling a cycle of abuse where now the man has obtained more power and is in a position of control while the woman becomes a victim. This cycle has repeated itself throughout history and it still continuing to do so in many countries.
It is time that we all stand up for equality where both men and women are treated the same. We all need to recognize that relationships require time and devotion as in both parties taking 100% responsibility to create a relationship which they both agree on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop mistrust for all men because of my abusive uncle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to dwell on past memories of trauma where I ended up experiencing extreme fear when I would hear people screaming and breaking glassware.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring that mistrust into my relationship with my husband.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conclude that divorce is bad and therefore women should just suppress themselves and give in to whatever their man is wanting them to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that divorce would happen to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience feelings of pity and sadness for my aunt because she chose to stay in the relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that my aunt could turn back time and have a better life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel some anger towards my aunt for allowing herself to remain in an abusive relationship.
When and as I catch myself having thoughts of my aunt and her past, I pause and I breathe. I realize that what she has gone through has nothing to do with me but that was her choice and her life path which she chose for her own reasons. I understand that this memory is simply haunting me because of my fear of divorce where I wish in my mind that my aunt would have divorced but at the same time I fear it for myself. Therefore my new definition of divorce is: The act of 2 people choosing to part ways to ensure a consequential outflow which is best for all via breaking patterns that are promoting abuse and self-sabotage. I commit to living my life based on that new definition and let go of any charges that I have linked to that word.
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