Yesterday, my husband and I were browsing for houses to buy. We looked at the pictures of the houses and there were a few which were quite big, almost like mansions, with some luxury inside.
As I saw myself looking at the pictures, this fear came into me. I started to tell my husband that I would not like to live in this house because it is too big for me and I feel that it is too posh for me to live in. I felt insecure and out of place even if I haven't even step foot in that place.
I sometimes look at luxurious houses which are costly and I ask myself: Could I ever live in that? And the answer I get is no. I feel that I don't deserve this place.
The same applies to buying a luxurious car.
Dimensions to consider:
1. Fear that someone will break in and cause chaos.
2. Fear that people will judge me as being vain and selfish
3. Fear that I will be overwhelmed and lost in that house
4. I don't deserve this big house because I am not worth it
5. Why should I need that much space when most people on this planet are living in huts. Self sabotage
6. People should not build mansions. We should all just live in medium sized houses and be happy with what we have.
7. Feel bad for other people who aren't able to afford the luxury house, so out of 'respect' for them I will sacrifice myself.
8. Feel pressured to have everyone else live in a big house if I am living in one, so I have to help others be able to do the same and that causes more fear.
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that people will break in and hide inside the house.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to self sabotage because of the fear that I will be judged negatively by others
I forgive myself for allowing myself to compare myself with the rest of the planet who are not able to afford a luxurious lifestyle and therefore self sabotage by just living a mediocre life or do whatever I need to do to ensure that every single being on this planet lives in a mansion, therefore leading to more fear and a feeling of being overwhelmed.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to buy into the belief that I am not worth a big house, I am only worth something mediocre and I should be just grateful for whatever I have and not strive to develop my potentials to achieve more.
When and as I see myself engaging in self sabotage, where I find a million reasons to justify why I should not live in a luxurious house and obtain a luxurious car, I pause and I breathe. I realize that all this backchat has only been a manifested reality because of my acceptance and allowance that we only need to be grateful for whatever we get, therefore justifying the mediocre lifestyle and also following limiting belief systems that society and religions have placed upon us. I also realize that this wanting to just live a mediocre lifestyle is a result of my past bullying experience where I would purposely put myself in a position where I am inferior to the bully, so that she does not gossip about me to other people and tell everyone else to stop talking to me. I commit to stopping this backchat of always putting myself in an inferior situation to become this 'nobody' personality to prevent myself from getting noticed and therefore avoiding gossip and being faced with confrontations, therefore leading to a life where I am sheltered. I commit to investigating houses by stepping into them, observing my body reactions, and breathing through all backchats that could deter me from appreciating the house I am visiting. I commit to making practical decisions when it comes to buying a house ensuring that there is no self sabotage involved and that I am one and equal to the house I will buy.
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