Today I had a couple of happenings which made me a bit concerned. A person who I thought of as a best friend to me no longer seems to be on facebook, for unknown reasons. Yet, today while being on another person's account I realized that she was on facebook and I assumed that the only reason why I couldn't see her is because she blocked me. I thought to myself well this is really weird and as far as I recall, I didn't say anything bad to her. My mind started to instantly go into this mode where I was trying to search for answers as to why she must have done this.
Some dimensions that came up:
1. fear of abandonment
2. fear of no longer have someone who cares for me and who I can count on in harsh moments
3. sadness that a long term friend suddenly disappeared
4. victim personality: Why does this always happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?
It is fascinating how we create this circle of people who we define us as and when something goes wrong in the circle, we end up fearing. We fear what we have done to cause or deserve this. We fear loss. We experience emotions that only consume us to the point where if we don't do something about it as in seeking out the truth, we get very agitated and almost paranoid. What I did was immediately email that friend and ask her where she is and how she is doing. The weird thing that happened is that I searched for her again on facebook and now suddenly she is in my friends list. I found that really awkward. I couldn't understand whether it was the email that I sent her that caused this happening or whether she had unblocked me before that. Anyways, that does not matter here. What matters is that a situation happened and I automatically reacted to it.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being abandoned by someone who I look up as my sister.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that the person who I trusted the most no longer cares for me and that I have no one to refer to as a best friend anymore.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience sadness that a friend who I care about suddenly disappeared on me for no reason.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to engage in this victim personality where I allow my mind to instantly go into backchats where I end up self sabotage.
When and as I see myself fearing abandonment, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this fear of abandonment came from childhood where my teacher abused me by always punishing me and this created abandonment as I was split from the rest of the group.
When and as I see myself fearing that the person who I trusted the most no longer seems to care anymore, I pause and I breathe. I realize that some relationships were just never meant to be in the first place and that such relationships created out of seeking something from the other being is not a supportive relationship.
When and as I see myself fearing that if that person is no longer my friend and therefore I am alone and no one will be my friend anymore, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is just a mind program that is running to lead me to self-sabotage where instead of standing up and taking responsibility to actually form bonds that are stable and operate out of oneness and equality, I am simply allowing emotions to rule me over and getting me to simply accept defeat and stay a victim lifelong.
I commit, once and for all, to realize that not all relationships that are created will stand the test of time and that such relationships are the reason for why this world operates the way it is, where self interest via greed has become the predominant factor into creating most of our relationships such that people only use and abuse one another to achieve that what they want to achieve. I commit to break this cycle of using people where I just want them to be my friends just because of the need to feel secure in case something goes wrong and instead commit to finding those who I am compatible with and who will maintain the relationship out of the principle of walking life together as a group.
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