The question I ask myself is: why did I or do I underestimate myself so much? Why do I lack self trust or confidence? I tried to google that question and I read several interesting answers:
- Underestimating yourself gives you a kind of excuse to all the things you've done in life that you felt you could have done better, therefore evading self responsibility
- They found someone who is better and therefore engaged in the polarity construct of comparison
- They feel insecure. This also depends on the experiences they have been through(especially in their childhood) For instance, if they were never encouraged to prove their capabilities and explore them.
- Lack of skills and talent
- Lack of self confidence in what they are doing......sometimes it's because they have been looked down upon so often.
- They don't know themselves very well. they have a crude idea of their potentials and their limitations, which is why they underestimate their capabilities...
- They are humble in front of others
- They fear doing something
- They have never tried
- They do not believe other peoples words of encouragement
- They don't know they can.
As I read over all these great perspectives, I try to place myself in each answer.
Could I have done better?
The feeling of I could have done better is definitely something that I feel because I saw myself as a smart, intelligent person who is capable of achieving success. Therefore I had expectations of myself which I failed to meet. Each time I got my marks back in my tests, I would experience sadness and the feeling that I failed surged in me. I aimed for above 80% and when I failed to meet that, I just hated myself. I always ended up getting average marks which I thought of as inadequate as I compared myself to the bright kids who were getting 80's and above and felt really inferior to them.
Who did I compare myself to?
This comparison lead me to feel insecure. I would be compared to my cousins and other friends and when I compared myself to other people I just felt like a loser. I also started as time went by to lose faith and trust in myself. Achieving great grades seemed to me like something I just dreamed and wished for as opposed to something that I could achieve.
Was I encouraged to prove my capabilities as a kid and develop skills and talents?
As far as I recall, my parents always wanted me to do my best. In primary school, I excelled and did really well. My parents were encouraging. In kindergarten, it was a totally different story. All I remember was being punished for no reason and I can't recall anything with regards to developing skills. But common sense alone tells me that if I was encouraged to develop skills, I would have been able to vividly recollect that. That ties into the notion of being looked down upon by my kindergarten teachers.
Do I know myself?
That is a great question. The answer that I get right away is a big fat NO. That is quite interesting. If I really knew who I am and trust that I am a smart person, then why would I fear exams? It almost seems that it is the fear of exams and results that caused the consequence of being an average student. The starting point of sitting for an exam was: I hope this will be easy and experiencing anxiety before the exam. Once the exam was over, I would ruminate and try to think of what I did wrong and focus on the fact that I lost all these marks. Obviously, the more I feared the exam the more I manifested the consequence which is lower grades.
Have I been looked down? What caused this lack of skills/talent/self-confidence?
I recall that prior to being 10, I did well and I felt very confident as a person. When I was 10 and 11, I had a classmate who bullied me and that really lowered my self- esteem. She wanted to be number 1 and because I feared her, I purposely did not want to be number 1 so that she would not bully me. That was when my lack of confidence in myself really began. I feared the bully and I became a victim. I was sad and miserable. I was still among the best but I was no more number 1. I was number 2 or 3 or 4.
The situation got worse in high school when I was placed with the brightest kids in the country. That was when things got really competitive. There was no more bully, thank god. Yet, there was intense competition and I found that school just got harder and harder. Life was just about homework, passing tests and trying to get a scholarship. At the time I felt that I did not fit in at all with the amount of competition that existed.
What did I fear?
I feared competition.
I also feared the reaction from my dad when I would bring home my report card.
I feared failing and I knew people looked at me as a bright person.
I feared not living up to people's expectations, especially parents.
I also feared not being part of the elite students who got top grades as they got a lot of attention from teachers.
I feared not getting entry into med school as this was the career I wanted to pursue at the time.
Have I tried?
The thing that I never understood is that I made sure that I studied all the time. In my viewpoint, I did what I should have done to pass exams but in terms of getting the highest grades, I had no idea what else to do on top of what I had already done to get myself up there. That is what confused me. I desperately wanted to have top grades, but when it came to achieving that I had no idea why I was not performing well. In my opinion, I was smart and I felt I could have done better. Yet, how to get there was a complete mystery. While studying, I simply memorized things as opposed to understanding concepts. I guess I never developed something called logic, which is something that comes with questioning things. But when I look back, I guess where we failed as a whole was the way our school system is set up and that does not promote natural learning ability. We memorize things just for the sake of passing tests without never understanding what we learn. If I could turn back time, I would have hired a private one on one tutor who would always quiz me as opposed to taking group lessons or simply done techno tutor. Also, I was really distracted and found it hard to focus.
Do I have a crude idea of my potentials?
When it comes to having a crude idea of my potentials, what comes into my mind is that if I had a better way of studying or processing information, I could have done much better. I know that I do have the potential but I did not take 100% responsibility in finding ways in which I could process information. I just followed the system. I also did not focus well in high school and allowed my mind to wander off. I never asked questions because I was too shy. What I should have done is made sure that I understood all the material before the teacher ended class. Then, as I investigate this further, attention deficit disorder is something that has probably played a huge role in my life.
Did I believe other people's words of encouragement?
At some point my parents really encouraged me and I felt good about it. However, it seems that at the time people were being encouraging, I was appreciating it. In terms of believing it, I guess if I did, I would have done all I could to bring myself up academically.
I shall continue on this in the next blog....
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