Part of me feels like I have been betrayed. Betrayed in the sense that I have existed through eons of time cycle after cycle but without any form of understanding of what self-awareness is and how to live the concept of oneness and equality. It is now in this last life that I am realizing all this and now having to come face to face with all the points that I have allowed and accepted throughout existence. And now to be told that this is my only last chance and that I only have this one life to live makes me feel like losing the battle of standing up for life and just admitting defeat. I feel overwhelmed that there is just too many points to transcend in this life and that I will never have time to transcend all of them.
That one point is probably what set off my whole anxiety disorder and allowed me to start having panic attacks. This feeling of being overwhelmed with too many things to do and not having enough time for that is killing. It seems that I have so many fears and I just don't know where to begin. There have been times in the past 2 months where I actually wondered whether I would have been better off not even knowing what I have come to know about through the course. Would ignorance of the law been a better way to end life since at least there would be no fear or feeling of betrayal? How do I embrace or come face to face with physical death knowing that the other side is worse than here and knowing that I only have so much time here left on this earth?
This is where I feel torn, anxious, sad, pitiful, remorseful, betrayed, angry at the bitter truth. Why did we accept and allow all this to happen to us? Why couldn't we figure out since creation that we had fucked up and just created heaven on earth through this information we are currently walking? Why? Why? Why? At this point I can continue to just allow all these feelings to surface and create more fear. But I want to let them go. The reason is because I can't change what I have previously accepted and allowed by incarnating into a physical body and living a scripted life cycle after cycle.
The only thing I can change now is my attitude to this current life. What can I do with the time I have left to appreciate this last life? Can I just let go of the past life remorse and focus on the present, as in what I can do to stand up for life and do what is best for all? For that I need to accept what the truth is. I am sad that I will no longer be able to incarnate here and have this wonderful experience called physical life. But then, that is just a mind reaction that is simply deterring me from being here in the present.
There have been a few realizations though that I have come to grips with with all what has happened.
- I have come to really appreciate my body during the past 2 months in that the body has immense potential to heal itself.
- I have come to really understand the power the mind has over the body in that it can trigger disease and can lead to self-destruction.
- I have also come to value what humans have created with regards to healing, where there are treatments available to assist and support the physical body, though we know that eventually we will all die.
- I have come to realize that the mind does a great job at reading in between the lines and those who I thought did not care for me are in real life caring.
- I have come to appreciate how short life can be and how unpredictable it is.
- I have realized that we have fucked up our own existence so badly that it is fascinating how messed up we all are.
- I have come to appreciate my parents for their support and also at the same time, I have come to the realization that I have accepted and allowed myself to just live my parents life since birth.
- I have realized that even though I feel I am not supported, I have in fact been supported by those who care for me, such as friends and coworkers.
- I have realized that the company I work for is definitely a company which supports its employees.
- I have realized that the workplace is not that bad after all if we understand that we can't be friends with everyone, and that people are there to enable us to face whatever we are accepting and allowing.
- I realized that even if I have had no faith in my manager, when it came to supporting my medical leave, she did what she had to do.
- I have come to appreciate that health is wealth. If I had a lot of money but no health, there would be no way where I could enjoy that wealth. I have realized how messed up we have become by not truly accepting and appreciating our bodies, but instead seeking some form of outer separation.Our physical bodies are our greatest asset
- I have come to realize that one can't rush a disease. It will take time for a body to heal itself and bring itself back to homeostasis. One just needs to allow the body to rest and not pressure the body into healing faster through thoughts and feelings and emotions.
- I have come to understand that I am facing one major point which I have accepted and allowed, which is the fear and anxiety.
- I have come to realize that even if I enjoy my job, it is not something that I am passionate about, but just something I am doing as a means of survival.
- I have come to realize that the work environment has been toxic for me in the sense that I often have to work with people who don't always have the best work ethic or do not show signs of compassion as in treating others the way they want to be treated. And from a practical perspective, I can either choose to ignore the beings and continue to just work, or take a step to switch job lines where I would work with other people.
- I have come to appreciate being taken care of, which has allowed me to be a receiver. I have always had a hard time receiving but this condition has allowed me to appreciate what gifts others bring.
- I have come to appreciate that my husband has supported me during certain times, though he was not there with me all the time.
- I have come to realize that not all people in this world are cold hearted, and that some people do genuinely care for you when you are sick. I have come to realize that we need a support group because living all by ourselves like a hermit is nothing more that just a form of separation. At the same time I have come to realize that no one can save us when we are sick but ourselves, through our thoughts.
- I have come to realize that the province where I live contains people who don't believe in the concept of living together as a group, where there is unity and if someone needs help that there is the support. People in this province tend to only live for themselves and everyone who immigrates to this province comes to the realization that this is not a place where friendships can develop. Everyone is here to just focus on who they are as opposed to realizing we are all equal and let's get to know one another to develop relationships.
- I have come to realize that this script I have been playing all my life about being a savior to everyone is what has backfired. The truth is no one can be saved by someone else. Only we can save ourselves through taking corrective applications and understanding how the mind works. Even our gurus and mentors can't save us as life is short.
I will continue with this point of betrayal later on...
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