This is a continuation to the last blog on the savior. One dimension involved in the savior construct is worrying. Worrying is something that I have always consistently throughout my life engaged in and it has constantly been brought up to my attention. Therefore I will attempt to look at things practically in my blogs to transform worry into something more practical and easier to live by.
My longest cause of worry is not being able to provide my mum will all what she wants. I have always had a close relationship with my mum and since I was born, the only thing that I saw from her is sadness and not being able to lead a fulfilling life. When she married my dad, she noticed that personality differences where there. My dad was more of the safe approach and not a risk taker. My mum on the other side was someone who would like to take risks and if she didn't persevere, they would have never built a house. My mum also felt that her in laws failed to treat her well and she and my grandma never did see eye to eye. My mum always blamed my dad for not persevering as in networking with others or joining organizations so that he can climb the ladder of success. She watched how her brothers and sisters drove BMWs while she shared a toyota with my dad and always felt somehow inferior to them. She also felt like that when her nephews and nieces became doctors. My mum has always compared herself to her siblings and wanted her kids to be as successful. But her idea of success is that we should become doctors and her starting point was more of a status symbol or revenge.
A few of the phrases I reacted to include:
1. I am getting old and I can't handle going to work anymore. I am forcing myself.
2. I am 60 but I feel like I am 80. My body is just done.
3. You need to be ashamed of yourself and pray that someday your daughter will not end up like you
The common denominator in all these sentences is that I have no control over what my mum thinks and how she handles her life and therefore I start the worry process.
What are some practical realizations regarding this?
First, what my mum is reacting to is the creation of a system which does not support life, especially as one gets older. In an equal money system, this would have been prevented because a person who deems that they can't physically or emotionally cope with the demands of the job will be allowed to leave the job and still be supported. Thus, at this point there is nothing I can do about that because money is the reason for mum having to go to work. Then, what is it about this situation that I fear? I fear that mum will just continue to remain a slave and that makes me feel bad because I love my mum and can't see her go through that much pain. I also fear that she will die soon and that is something I just do not want to experience. The same applies to the second point.
According to my mum, comparing me with someone else was a way for her to teach me to be like the other person. She obviously came from a point of wanting me to be better and she chose to compare as a means to get her point across, not realizing at the time that comparison was just a means to encourage a lower self esteem in me. Yet, by me reacting to that sentence, that obviously shows that there are underlying dimensions to investigate. I can't stand being compared to because it seems that I already admit defeat as I have shown a pattern of underestimating my potentials- self sabotage.
SF: I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that my mum will die faster because she is consuming herself with work and that is not healthy for her physical body. I see, realize and understand that worry is not going to help me in this situation. What I commit to doing is making sure that I get out of the worry mode in order to direct myself and the situation as I realize that when one is in the worry state, one can't come up with relevant practical solutions. The truth is that my mum will die at some point and worrying about her dying soon will not serve of any value. At this point, all I can commit to doing is to help her by ensuring that she has the necessary items to support her physical body.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to react to the sentence that my mum said regarding the fact that I need to pray that my daughter will not end up like me. I realize that what my mum was teaching me at the time was to develop my potentials as she noticed that I was not doing so. Her starting point was not to belittle me but rather make me see that I was not meeting expectations that other people of my age were. I therefore allow myself to let go of that sentence that she had uttered where I had reacted and taken it personally because I felt inferior.
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