Day 36: The indecisive Character

A point that I am currently facing is being indecisive. I find that I have a hard time making decisions.  It starts off by first making a decision and then some emotions are experienced and then I start second guessing the decision I just made and also the mind begins to start the backchat process. I find that one emotion which particularly comes into play is guilt where I will make a decision on what I feel is right for me and then if someone else is involved, I will start thinking in their terms and feel some fear on how they will perceive the situation. Often I end up changing the decision made to avoid having to confront that person and play the character of wanting to be liked.

In the end, the battle becomes between pleasing self versus pleasing others. Therefore they are all decisions that operate from the starting premise of fear which is an emotion as opposed to being practical. I never understood what practical meant until recently as in why is it beneficial for someone to make practical decisions as opposed to emotion based decisions. When one is practical, one does not spend a lot of time in the mind dwelling on unnecessary things.

I also found that being indecisive has lead me to develop insecurity about myself where I tend to not find my decisions to be effective enough and therefore resort to asking others. If I were to investigate this further, what I found that contributed to this is the fact that since I was a kid, decisions had always been made for me. I can't remember one time where I felt I made a decision by myself that was of significance. For instance, as a child our parents seem to always be making decisions for us on how to wear things and what to say. For a lot of us that leads us to develop a sense of never trusting ourselves and our abilities to make decisions and instead waiting for someone who has more wisdom to share with us their findings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop an insecure personality where I constantly seek advice from others as opposed to trusting myself and my decisions. I commit to learning about other people's perspectives on things and also doing my own investigations to seek an outcome based on self-honesty as opposed to seeking enslavement by turning myself into a follower.