Day 39: the wanting to be safe character

I have noticed for the past few days that I  have been seeking a lot of support from friends and family to assist me in getting back myself back to track. I have been deviating from my normal life because I have participated in anxiety.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want to have a safe way out and plan for a plan b in case plan a does not work.

I forgive myself for not trusting that I have the power to do anything I want and therefore give away my power to whomever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek attention from other people because of the need to be loved and cared about, that is participating in the desire to just seek attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to remain in my comfort zone because that will enable me to live a life where there are no ups and downs or where I have to face new obstacles.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this insecurity personality by always thinking of the 'what if' scenario and hoping that nothing will happen which will cause turmoil.


When and as I see myself participating in the wanting to be safe character, I pause and I breathe. I realize that this is only a premise that operates out of fear of the unknown. I give myself the permission to just trust that I can handle anything that comes my way, as one and as equal.

day 38: fear of allergic reaction

I have a coworker who has had really bad allergy reactions and when she told me her story, my mind went into this fear mode where now I fear that every time I eat something unusual and experience a slight variation in symptom, I start participating in the fear of an allergy reaction system.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting an allergic reaction to something I eat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the fear of death system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to assume that I will end up having the same experience as someone else
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to give into the mind and becoming enslaved to it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to read into symptoms of my body and automatically panic when I feel that something goes wrong.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to anticipate the worse possible thing and manifest the fear like a self fulfilling prophecy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the fear of getting an allergic reaction.


When and as I catch myself reading through my physical sensations, I pause and I breathe. I remind myself that I have existed on this earth for at least 31 years and therefore there is no reason for me to fear any allergy. I also realize that we are made of the same substance as the earth and that our physical bodies have great power in overcoming foreign particles. I trust in my physical body's ability to handle any foreign particles and realize that there is no use fearing anything.

DAY 37: Fear of aging

One of the points that has been preoccupying my mind lately is the process of aging and linking it to pain and suffering.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the energy fluctuations of the mind, by giving into fear and feeding the consciousness system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the fear of aging system and giving my directiveness to that system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy my mind with thoughts that do not promote well-being and life, but rather promote energy via anxiety and fear.

When and as I see myself participating in thoughts of fear of aging, I  pause and I breathe. I realize that by participating in this means that I am not being here in the present and that I have given away my directive principle to consequence/outcome which is something that is in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that no one would age and simply enjoy eternal life on this planet. When and as I see myself engaging i wishful thinking, I pause and I breathe. I realize that life is and will always be here no matter what. The concept of eternal life which is being described in biblical terms is simply a concept which has been misrepresented. I understand that there is no point wishing for eternal life as in awareness is eternal regardless of whether we are in a physical body or in spirit.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear  that as I get old, I will experience pain and suffering.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate fear to aging and concluding that this is a negative experience and that I  may not be able to handle it due to fears of unknowns.

When and as I see myself experiencing emotions due to fear of the unknown, I pause and I breathe. I realize that by putting a negative connotation on aging, that I am participating in the polarity game. I commit to realizing that there is no point fearing aging as I  have the power to use my mind in practical ways to ensure that I engage in actions which support the well-being of the physical as opposed to fearing that it will be negative regardless when this may or may not be true. I realize that by participating in thoughts that aging is a bad thing that I will in fact create that experience with time. I commit to standing up for life and realizing that there are advances in medical technology which if investigated properly can direct us to lead healthier lives. In addition, I have realized that nature has also created plants or substances which promote healthy well being and it is just a matter of engaging in proper habits including eating to ensure that we support our bodies.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I will become powerless and useless and lonely when I get old. I commit to engaging in activities such as dancing, walking, doing creative things with my hands to ensure that I will be of great assistance to mankind. Activities that old people do can include reading and talking to other people. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I will become a burden to my kids and that they will ditch me in a place where I will be miserable and isolated. If I were to experience isolation and being a burden, I pause and I breathe. I realize that this is simply a societal conditioning that only promotes self-sabotage if one chooses to believe in it. The truth is that people who rule countries are not all young, some choose to become president once they are 60. There is absolutely no reason for one to feel like a burden to their kids because one can simply engage in actions which will mutually serve both us and the kids. A practical example would be to give money to the kids so that they can be a caregiver or simply hire another person who will be a caregiver. I also realize that the only person who will decide if I will be alone and miserable is me. I can choose to find a group of other people to share a house or apartment with so that I can spend my remaining days still learning about other people's perspectives and enjoying the present.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate negative emotions such as anger, bitterness and frustration that I can't control the outcome of this life and that I will eventually have to give in to the notion that I will leave my physical body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to link old age to death and therefore experience friction towards aging.
When and as I see myself wanting to blame someone for creating physical death, I pause and I  breathe. I realize that this is something that I also participated in by agreeing to come down to this earth to have this physical experience. Therefore, I take 100 per cent responsibility for the decisions that I have made and choose to live a life where I can transcend as many fears as I can so that I can stand up for life and prepare myself for my life review. I choose to be grateful for taking a physical form because this is my chance to really stand up and remove all reactions that I experience which tell me what I have separated myself from. I realize that with age, I also gain more wisdom and that my life improves for the better if I choose to do things which are best for all and keep things as practical as possible.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my parents are aging and that life is too short.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that someday my husband will leave me all by myself to carry on with this life.
When and as I see myself fearing loss of loved ones, I pause and I breathe. I realize that is is pointless fearing that as this is a truth and the greatest truth is that in the end, we will not remember all the people who we have spent life with. Therefore, what is practical is to appreciate the time I have with my loved ones here in this physical form and integrate things in my life which I have separated myself from.

Day 36: The indecisive Character

A point that I am currently facing is being indecisive. I find that I have a hard time making decisions.  It starts off by first making a decision and then some emotions are experienced and then I start second guessing the decision I just made and also the mind begins to start the backchat process. I find that one emotion which particularly comes into play is guilt where I will make a decision on what I feel is right for me and then if someone else is involved, I will start thinking in their terms and feel some fear on how they will perceive the situation. Often I end up changing the decision made to avoid having to confront that person and play the character of wanting to be liked.

In the end, the battle becomes between pleasing self versus pleasing others. Therefore they are all decisions that operate from the starting premise of fear which is an emotion as opposed to being practical. I never understood what practical meant until recently as in why is it beneficial for someone to make practical decisions as opposed to emotion based decisions. When one is practical, one does not spend a lot of time in the mind dwelling on unnecessary things.

I also found that being indecisive has lead me to develop insecurity about myself where I tend to not find my decisions to be effective enough and therefore resort to asking others. If I were to investigate this further, what I found that contributed to this is the fact that since I was a kid, decisions had always been made for me. I can't remember one time where I felt I made a decision by myself that was of significance. For instance, as a child our parents seem to always be making decisions for us on how to wear things and what to say. For a lot of us that leads us to develop a sense of never trusting ourselves and our abilities to make decisions and instead waiting for someone who has more wisdom to share with us their findings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop an insecure personality where I constantly seek advice from others as opposed to trusting myself and my decisions. I commit to learning about other people's perspectives on things and also doing my own investigations to seek an outcome based on self-honesty as opposed to seeking enslavement by turning myself into a follower.

Day 35:Resistance to drinking water

I have struggled since childhood with one major thing which is not being able to drink 8 glasses of water. I would say that a good day for me would be being able to actually drink 3 glasses of water. I seem to only consume water when I feel thirsty which  never really seems to happen throughout the day.

My doctor has been constantly pushing me to drink at least 8 glasses per day for the past 2 months. There has been a few days where I quietly obeyed and then after a few days, it would be back to square 1 where I just did not want to consume anything anymore.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consume water whenever I am thirsty and not push through drinking more water knowing that water is medicine and that our physical bodies require a certain amount of water a day. I commit to drinking at least 6-8 glasses of water a day.

Day 34: Recurring memories: The Abusive Character

I am opening up a new thread called " Recurring Memories". In this blog series, I will write about specific memories that seem to come through constantly or periodically.

The one memory that seems to keep jogging in my mind is about my aunt. She was physically and emotionally abused by her husband who had been cheating on her for almost 20 years. She attempted suicide a couple of times but was always saved by her sisters or her son. I just talked to my mum about this and asked her : " Mum, why didn't aunty  just choose to divorce?" Her answer was because of their upbringing where divorce at the time was seen as something really shameful and caused the family's reputation to just go down. In addition, she lived in a time where there was a preconceived judgement around raising kids by a single parent. At the time, people believed that parents have to sacrifice themselves for the well-being of their kids, by enduring whatever came their way such as abuse so that the child can at least have a dad.

I wanted to know what my mum thought of that and she answered that both divorce and staying in an abusive relationship would cause harm to the child. I found that to be interesting for my mum according to me has always been a symbol of sacrifice. To tell me that divorce is not a bad thing in this context was something I was happy to hear. It is interesting how being raised affects one life where one will end up in a position of sacrifice to please society and others but never please self. Growing up, divorce was something seen as sinful and unacceptable but nowadays it is quite a fashion.

I remembered staying at my aunty's place as a kid and I would constantly hear them fighting and screaming at one another and glasses would be broken. I was less than 5 years at the time. I was traumatized. My parents never fought and yelled at each other that way. Going to my aunt's place was a nightmare. As a result of my uncle's cheating I ended up distrusting men in general. What I thought and still subconsciously think of men is that they are assholes because they cheat and treat women like shit.
I grew up fearing that someday the same would happen to me. I still find in my relationship that even though I have come to really appreciate my husband, deep down inside  of me does not trust him just because he is a man.

What my aunt has taught me though is that in the darkest moments, even if you are being abused in many ways, one needs to stand and realize that life is precious. Taking one's life away in such circumstances will only fuel regret after. Most of us will realize once we die that we did not accomplish what we wanted to do while we had the chance to do so on this planet and in this physical body. Therefore, in those circumstances, to end the abuse, one must really understand that staying in a relationship just to please society is only teaching a kid that it is acceptable to be abusive.  Also by looking at their parent's abuse, the child will learn and subconsciously justify that it is acceptable to abuse others or be abused. They will never understand that stopping the abuse means standing up for oneself by not fueling the cycle, and this is done by ending the relationship or doing something to put an end to that cycle such as some form of therapy.

One needs to also realize that what society has taught us with regards to social norms may also cause one to induce in self-sabotage. For instance, women are seen as objects in many countries or as unequal to men. Women are taught that their primary role is to simply please their husband no matter what. The consequence is that we end up fueling a cycle of abuse where now the man has obtained more power and is in a position of control while the woman becomes a victim. This cycle has repeated itself throughout history and it still continuing to do so in many countries.

It is time that we all stand up for equality where both men and women are treated the same. We all need to recognize that relationships require time and devotion  as in both parties taking 100% responsibility to create a relationship which they both agree on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop mistrust for all men because of my abusive uncle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to dwell on past memories of trauma where I ended up experiencing extreme fear when I would hear people screaming and breaking glassware.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring that mistrust into my relationship with my husband.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conclude that divorce is bad and therefore women should just suppress themselves and give in to whatever their man is wanting them to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that divorce would happen to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience feelings of pity and sadness for my aunt because she chose to stay in the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that my aunt could turn back time and have a better life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel some anger towards my aunt for allowing herself to remain in an abusive relationship.

When and as I catch myself having thoughts of my aunt and her past, I pause and I breathe. I realize that what she has gone through has nothing to do with me but that was her choice and her life path which she chose for her own reasons. I understand that this memory is simply haunting me because of my fear of divorce where I wish in my mind that my aunt would have divorced but at the same time I fear it for myself. Therefore my new definition of divorce is: The act of 2 people choosing to part ways to ensure a consequential outflow which is best for all via breaking patterns that are promoting abuse and self-sabotage. I commit to living my life based on that new definition and let go of any charges that I have linked to that word.

Day 33: Resistance to writing

Doing my daily blogs has been quite challenging in the sense that I find that I have this procrastinating behavior where I tell myself that I will blog shortly but never really push myself to do it. Therefore, I
decided to write about this point which I am sure a lot of us face at least in the beginning stages of
writing.

It is amazing how powerful our minds have become in that whenever we want to change something, like a certain personality trait or behavior, our mind does everything in its power to just stop us from doing so. We end up developing this form of energetic resistance which usually creates a lazy character and then entails some form of energetic reaction such as guilt or shame.

I found for myself that there are 2 instances where I want to do something to break my habits but I find it hard to maintain that. First would be to go out for daily walks and second would be for blogging. The weird thing that I noticed is that I never thought of myself as a procrastinator. For instance, I know in high school towards my final years, I would actually do homework the same day it was assigned. Therefore, I thought I was on the right track in assuming 100% responsibility and not leaving things for the very last minute.

Yet, this has not been the case with my  journey to life blogs. Breaking out of patterns to create new ones requires persistence and effort. That has a lot to do with our cognition, in other words the way our neurons work. Forming new habits means forming new neurons and that can only be accomplished with complete dedication and persistence.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resistance to writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a lazy character as a result of not writing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a procrastinating character as a result of not writing.

When and as I see myself wanting to postpone my writing, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that by doing so I allowing myself to create more friction via resistance. I therefore commit to ensuring I write on a regular basis and not spontaneously or whenever I feel like it.